Monthly Archives: March 2013

Preparing Myself

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Temptation

As I embark on this weekend, I’m preparing myself for two big events: 1) my first wedding sober and 2) our annual Easter celebration that I wrote about in my last post here.

This will be my second Easter sober, however, I’m still reminded of previous years where I used Easter (and all other holidays) as an excuse to drink as much as I could in a short amount of time. For some reason, I thought I needed it to cope, to have fun, to “survive.” It turns out, being sober made last year’s Easter celebration a lot more enjoyable – imagine that!

As for weddings, well, weddings and I have a long history – mostly a history of not remembering much. If there was ever an event that called (or more like begged) for drinking it was weddings. I mean heck, I got drunk for the first time when I was fourteen at my mom and stepdad’s wedding! I clearly remember the thrill and excitement of it, yet at the same time I remember my eighty-two year old grandmother helping me up the stairs and undressing me for bed. But, despite the shame and embarrassment the next morning, I loved it and I wanted more.

As I got older and my friends started getting married, weddings became all out parties – or at least they were for me! When I was single, I would find myself in questionable situations and after I got married, my husband would have to drag me (literally) out of the reception. Of course, it was always assumed that he would be the one driving and I would be the one passed out or throwing up in the passenger seat. Ironically, the only wedding I didn’t get drunk at was my own – go figure! Oh, and the one I attended while pregnant, but I’m sure I still managed to sneak a glass here and there. I mean, who could possibly imagine going to a wedding and not having ANYTHING to drink?!

To say that weddings bring up feelings of temptation is an understatement. Fortunately, we didn’t have any weddings last year, however, this year we’ve been invited to three. Tomorrow is the first of those three. To be honest, I’m not as anxious as I thought I would be, but I’m still doing the work in anticipation. I’ve gone to meetings this week, I’ve talked it over with my sponsor, I’ve done my readings and, most of all, I’ve been praying. I didn’t get sober on my own, and I know damn well I won’t stay sober on my own. I need God to help me and protect me, act as my armor if you will as I go into these situations.

Because that first drink is there, it’s always there waiting, tempting and calling my name.

 

 

The Bunny Is Real…And Other Easter Memories

Posted by lifecorked in Faith, Family, Sobriety and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

039 (2)

You know the saying, you don’t just marry the person, you marry their family? Well, that was definitely true for me. Despite both my husband and I being only children, unlike me he is from a very large, close-knit Catholic family who all, despite a few, live within close proximity to each other. I would be lying to say that I wasn’t completely and utterly overwhelmed when I attended my first Easter celebration with his family.

Growing up, we celebrated Easter, but nothing compared to my husband’s family. The week leading up to Easter is filled with excitement and anticipation, especially now that we have two kids who are obsessed with the Easter Bunny and all things Easter. There are Easter crafts, Easter stories, Easter baking, Easter cartoons, and, of course, lots of talk about Aunt Tess’ and the Easter Bunny! And, yes, the “Easter Bunny” makes an appearance each year at the annual Easter gathering at “the farm.” Okay, so Aunt Tess used to work at Hallmark and got the bunny costume at a great deal – but I digress.

The day begins with early Mass and then everyone makes the short trip to “the farm.” It’s not technically a farm, but there are a few horses, a cow or two, dogs and lots of room for the kids to run around – it’s beautiful. It’s the first time most of us have seen each other since Christmas, so there’s a lot of catching up and eating – lots and lots of eating. At some point, someone is chosen (or told!) to be the “bunny.” Usually, it’s one of the older cousins who have yet to participate in this coming of age-like experience.

As the anticipation builds, everyone gathers on the lawn awaiting the Bunny’s arrival. It’s always a surprise as to how Mr. Bunny will make his entrance. Last year, I believe he rode in on a four-wheeler and the year before that being pulled by a tractor - like I said, you never know! Of course, once the Bunny is spotted the kids go wild, some laughing, some crying and some standing in awe. It’s a sight to see!

Over the years, I’ve come to realize how truly special this celebration is. Before the Easter dinner (as with all family celebrations), we stand in a circle holding hands and say the traditional Catholic meal prayer, giving thanks to God for all the blessings He has bestowed upon us. As you look around, you will see Nornie, the matriarch of the family, along with most of her six children and their spouses, her grandchildren and their spouses and a multitude of great-grandchildren. What a sight to behold!

As the day comes to an end, you will find groups gathered by the fire or playing a board game and a few napping on the sofas, exhausted from the day’s activities. Those of us who have children, will gather them up, load them in the car and drive home, tired yet grateful for another year of Easter at “the farm.”

And, this year, I will be especially grateful for my second Easter spent sober and present, enjoying the excitement and joy of my children and glorifying the Lord who makes it all possible.

Blessings this Easter and always!

“Smashed”

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Smashed_(film)

Last night, my husband and I watched the new film “Smashed.” I’ve had it on my Netflix list for months, waiting for its release. There’s not a lot of movies out there about drinking and getting sober (plenty about drinking), so when I first read about this film I was anxious to watch it.

In short, it’s about a young married couple who like to drink – a lot. The wife is young, educated and seemingly “normal,” yet she has a BIG drinking problem. The film follows her as she plunges to her bottom and begins her journey getting sober.

Wow. At times, I could have inserted myself into the film and it could have been my life and story. I found myself feeling anxious as she grabbed for the bottle, knowing what the outcome would be. I laughed at her drunken stupor, knowing and embarrassed that at one point that had been me. I felt her shame and guilt as she admitted to her wrong doings. And, I empathized with her fear and anxiety as she sat in her first recovery meeting.

At one point in the film (perhaps in her first meeting), she says she knew she had a problem when what used to be fun started being scary. Oh, how I related to that statement. But, isn’t that what happens to so many of us? What used to be a fun evening out, becomes a predictable drinking binge. What used to be a couple of drinks with girlfriends, becomes a night of bar hopping and passing out. What used to be a family celebration, becomes an excuse to get hammered. What used to be “just one” becomes many and a guaranteed hangover. The list goes on. Eventually, the alcohol stops working and it stops being fun – for everyone.

There’s a happy ending – kind of. Because, really, there’s never a happy ending, just a new beginning.

I’m grateful for films like “Smashed” that give a realistic portrayal of alcoholism and sobriety. Watch it – you might learn something, or at least relate to it.

 

Let There Be Light

Posted by lifecorked in Faith, Sobriety and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , ,

“He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust.”

Matthew 5:45

I woke up this morning feeling kind of blah. It rained all night and was still raining this morning when I got up. My stomach felt kind of cruddy and, well, I was just in one of those moods. You know, the kind where everything looks grey and wet, and despite being the first day of Spring, you feel like the sun might never shine again. If you live or have ever lived in the Pacific Northwest you know what I’m talking about.

Anyway, sitting down with my first cup of coffee I opened my daily devotional to find today’s topic “Thoughts On Rain.” With that, I said to myself, “Okay, God, I’m listening.” Geez, how does He do that?! As I read, the author talked about the dreary feeling of watching the rain beat against her newly planted flowers, yet within a few hours of the sun coming up they were standing straight and strong. Wow, what a beautiful visual! At that point, I said to myself, “Okay, God, I get it.”

And, I thought back to all the times in my life where I had experienced torrential downpours, yet as the “rain” lifted I often discovered new growth and new beginnings. How often do we get stuck in the gloom and doom of life’s storms, instead of focusing on the nourishment God is providing us? Often, we don’t realize the new growth until the wreckage of the storm is cleared and we see the beauty in all the new life around us.

It’s still raining here, but instead of focusing on the grey skies, I’m focused on that small patch of sun illuminating the valley below. Because, in the worst storm, God will always provide us with His light if we search for it.

Happy Spring!

How to Drink with a Recovering Drunk

Posted by lifecorked in Sobriety

Reblogged from Heather Kopp:

Click to visit the original post

Let’s say that Dave and I are meeting you and a few others for dinner at a restaurant with a great wine list. You know that I’m a recovering alcoholic, but you’re accustomed to having a glass with dinner.

The waiter approaches the table and makes much ado about a new Cabernet on their list. Then he asks, “Can I start you off with something to drink?”

Read more… 706 more words

Sometimes I Forget

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Respect Yourself

Sometimes I forget about things that happened when I was drinking. I’m not talking about blackouts; I’m talking about memories I choose to forget. Once in a while, I will hear something or see something that takes me back to that time – that crazy time that I eventually walked away from.

I was recently listening to The Bubble Hour, a radio podcast about real stories and recovery. The topic was the signs and symptoms of alcoholism and as I listened I was catapulted back to that place in my mind; a place I try to avoid but need to remember for my own sobriety.

As with many, my alcoholism progressed quickly. Of course, I denied my alcoholic tendencies until the day I finally admitted I needed help. Even then, I’m not sure if I REALLY believed I was alcoholic.  But, looking back, all the signs and symptoms were there. These are just some of them (see the Mayo Clinic for a full description):

  • Be unable to limit the amount of alcohol you drink – I could never “just have one.”
  • Feel a strong need or compulsion to drink – Even on days I said I wouldn’t drink, I would find myself holding a glass of wine by that afternoon because I truly felt like I needed it to relax and unwind.
  • Develop tolerance to alcohol so that you need more to feel its effects – Over time I “needed” more and more to achieve that “perfect buzz.” Towards the end of my drinking, the alcohol stopped working and there were many times I couldn’t get buzzed no matter how much I drank.
  • Drink alone or hide your drinking – I loved to party with friends, but most of my drinking took place alone. I would start drinking before my husband got home from work and then continue while I cooked dinner. I would fill my glass when he wasn’t looking or hide wine bottles in the back of the fridge, hoping he wouldn’t discover how much I was drinking. And, I always drank at home before going to social events.
  • Experience physical withdrawal symptoms — such as nausea, sweating and shaking — when you don’t drink – Besides the compulsion to drink daily, I would often experience physical symptoms especially after a long night of partying. I specifically remember one time towards the end of my drinking where I got out of bed one morning and began to have almost seizure-like symptoms. I was standing by my dresser, when I started shaking violently and fell to the floor hitting the dresser as I fell. I was scared, but unwilling to accept the truth.
  • Not remember conversations or commitments, sometimes referred to as a “black out” – This was very common for me, especially after a night of binge drinking.
  • Make a ritual of having drinks at certain times and become annoyed when this ritual is disturbed or questioned – Most days I started drinking between 3:00 and 4:00 in the afternoon. If I was unable to drink, I would get irritated. I remember helping with my daughter’s preschool party one afternoon and all I could think about was getting home and having a glass of wine. My husband questioned my drinking more than once, but I would brush him off and get angry.
  • Gulp drinks, order doubles or become drunk intentionally to feel good, or drink to feel “normal” - Many alcoholics will say they didn’t have a “stop” button. This was true for me. I drank to feel good. I never understood the point of wine tasting; I didn’t want to taste it, I wanted to drink it or better yet gulp it. My main goal in drinking was reaching that perfect feel good place.
  • Lose interest in activities and hobbies that used to bring you pleasure – Eventually, I didn’t want to go anywhere or do anything that didn’t involve drinking. I didn’t read or write anymore – how could I when I was smashed every night and unable to focus? If I did try to read a book, I never remembered it the next day.  I didn’t enjoy cooking anymore because by the time dinner came around I was already three drinks in and only cared about putting together something easy for my family. I didn’t want to participate in non-alcohol related activities, because, really, what was the point?

Towards the end of my drinking, I started having chronic stomach problems. Of course, I was never honest with my doctor when she asked how much I drank. And, even when she ordered an ultrasound on my stomach, I never admitted that it could possibly be linked to my daily drinking. Around that time, I decided it must be the wine that was causing my stomach problems, so I switched to beer. Of course, I didn’t think once that maybe, just maybe if I stopped drinking altogether my stomach problems would go away. No, because this is the thinking pattern of an alcoholic.

As difficult as it is, it’s important that I remember what my life used to be. I don’t dwell on it, but I keep the memories tucked away; always ready and available when I start doubting whether or not I was REALLY that bad. Because, at some point, the doubting and questioning will enter our minds.

I must always remember the life I walked away from in order to truly appreciate the life I now live.

An Honest Post About Sobriety: It's not always easy.

Posted by lifecorked in Sobriety

Reblogged from One Girls Journey For a Better Life...:

I’m having one of those moments. You know the moment. The moment where you find yourself thinking “Do I really have a drinking problem?” I’m coming up fast on 10 months of sobriety. I’m focused on that big 1 YEAR mark, and I’m really excited about it, but the “Then what!?” creeps in. I’m not going to lie, sometimes it’s just the Milestone that I think is what keeps me going.

Read more… 857 more words

An honest and vulnerable post by a young woman who is coming up on her first year sober. Something for all of us to keep in mind as we ride this wave of recovery. Great insight and comments from others who have been in her shoes.

Finding My Voice

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Finding Voice

I’ve been feeling stuck. I’ve lost my voice; my focus with this blog. Or, maybe this is what blogging is all about; evolving and changing as we do in life. I want to have a clear focus. I want my writing to represent me; my life; my experience; my strength; my hope.

I find myself wondering if people really care about what I’m making for dinner or the latest craft project I’m working on. Originally, when I started this blog I wanted it to reflect my life sober. I wanted to show people there’s a whole new world waiting for them in sobriety. For me, that includes cooking, crafting, sewing – and, of course, writing.

Yet, I’ve discovered over the past few months that blogging about the cooking, sewing or craft projects takes the enjoyment out of it for me. It feels like more of a chore than anything. I’ve realized I don’t want to sit and edit pictures and write tutorials on how to make things. All I really want to do is write. For me, writing is everything. It’s how I express myself, process feelings and connect with others. There’s wonderful lifestyle blogs out there with amazing ideas on how to make a custom wreath or plan a fancy brunch, but that’s not me.

My heart tells me to use this blog to write; to share my story from the most authentic and honest place I can find within me. Many of us struggling with alcoholism, make our first connections to sobriety online. For many, it’s a safe place to find information, read stories and reach out to others who are just like us. For the first time, we see ourselves in the stories of others and for one small moment we don’t feel alone.

So, from now on this is my direction. I see it clearly and I’m excited to have a focus. Of course, if I happen to come across some spectacular recipe I’ll be sure to share it!

 

 

Finding New Ways to Celebrate

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Mom

Today is my mom’s birthday. If she were still alive, she would be 64. She died almost seven years ago from pancreatic cancer and not a day goes by that I don’t think of her and wonder how my life would be different if she was still here.

In the past, I used her birthday as an excuse to drink. Since she wasn’t around to celebrate, I figured I’d celebrate for both of us, which meant drinking more than I would normally drink. Now, I realize that I drank because I missed her and I wanted (or needed) to numb the sadness I felt in not having her with me. Instead of focusing on the beautiful life she led before leaving us, I focused on the grief of not having her with us.

Today, was the first time I have woken up on her birthday feeling peaceful and joyful. I still miss her horribly; more than I could ever convey through words. The pain runs deep and I know there will always be a piece of me missing. However, today I choose to focus on her beautiful life and celebrate it without drinking. I will be completely and totally present and focus on those things which she loved.

As I look out the window, I see the tulips beginning to show themselves and the daffodils beginning to bloom. Besides her family and animals, her greatest love was being in her garden. She loved this time of year; a new beginning as new life slowly appeared after a long, grey winter.

Earlier this morning, I sat down at my sewing machine and worked on my son’s new valances as I sipped my coffee and listened to one of her old records. She was an amazing seamstress; I only realize now just how good she was. My stitches are uneven and often messy. Her work was neat and precise, something that only comes with time and practice. I picture her smiling (and perhaps laughing) at my attempts, knowing in time I will figure it out.

This afternoon, I will take my son and daughter to frozen yogurt to celebrate Grammy Rickie’s birthday. It is important for me that they know that just because someone is gone, doesn’t mean we stop celebrating their life. In talking about her and celebrating her, I hope I can always honor her life and memory.

She wasn’t perfect. She had her demons as we all do. Her life was challenging at times; sometimes more than she thought she could handle. But, she did and she did it with grace, dignity and bravery.

Although, I lost her way too soon, I am so grateful I had her for the time I did. Would I change things if I could? Perhaps. But, I know that God needed her more than I did. Her strength and bravery continue to guide me on this journey through life.

And, when the time comes, and I see her again I will laugh with her about my messy and uneven seams.

Happy birthday, Mom!

I Relapsed On Facebook

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Friends

It’s true…I relapsed on Facebook.

I had every good intention of stepping back, taking a break and simplifying my life. But, I only lasted a week.

The truth is, I missed my friends and family. Okay, so I don’t “see” them or “talk” to them on a regular basis, but I still feel connected to them and Facebook makes that possible.

I guess you could say I have a love-hate relationship with Facebook. My husband always jokes that I was born in the wrong decade – or century. I have a special love for the traditional and romantic. I long for the days of Little Women or Anne of Green Gables. A simplistic way of life where friends and family gather for tea or coffee, write love letters to each other and frolic through green fields (okay, maybe not frolic, but you get the picture). I know, life was not simple during those times. They still had their issues and life was anything but perfect – but I can still dream, right?

In this day and age, I find myself feeling suffocated with the information overload. Smart phones, texts, messaging, e-mail, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc. I participate to a certain extent, yet I still find myself baffled by the need to be in touch 24/7. Where is the mystery? The joy and anticipation of seeing someone you haven’t seen in years? The excitement in the unknown?

I guess it’s the romantic in me that longs for “the way things used to be.” Did I just say that? Oh no, a sure sign that I’m getting old!

So, here I am; blogging about Facebook. Ironic, yes. Despite my confliction, I don’t want to be one of “those” people who stands still while the world passes them by. No, never!

With that, I will embrace the here and now, and when I’m feeling the need for a more simplistic time and place I will download one of the classics onto my Kindle – ha!