Category Archives: Family

Tired, But Grateful

Posted by lifecorked in Faith, Family, Sobriety and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Grateful

What a week it has been! At times, I felt like a fish out of water, gasping for air. I kept telling myself, “Just make it ’till Friday and then you can relax!” Well, Friday is here and I’m tired, but feeling extremely grateful. And, since it’s the last day of the month (and I have at least 31 things to be grateful for today), here’s my gratitude list for the day in no particular order:

1. My sobriety. I celebrated 9 months on Tuesday. No words can describe how grateful I am for this blessed sober life.

2. My son who ”graduated” from preschool. He is kind, sweet, affectionate and his smile always melts my heart.

3. My daughter who graduated from kindergarten. She is strong, caring, independent and described as “hard-working” by her teacher. She inspires me to be a better person.

4. Teachers. God bless them. My children have been extremely blessed to have amazing teachers who teach them, guide them and inspire them to be their very best. It is a God-given gift to teach preschool and kindergarten because after spending two hours in a class of 20, I’m ready to pull my hair out!

5. Friends and family. Those who encourage, support and help guide me on this journey.

6. My husband’s work. That he is able to have a career that keeps him busy, that he enjoys and that allows for me to stay home and be available to our children. For this, I’m extremely grateful.

7. Dishwasher. You don’t realize how much you depend on this time-saving appliance until it breaks. And, to those repair people who can come to your home, take it apart and get it working again. Greg (appliance man), yesterday you were my hero!

8. Sun. After MANY days of rain, I’m ready for some vitamin d!

9. Summer vacation. No “real” schedules and convincing my kids that I “get” to sleep in until 6:30 instead of 6:00. Hey, I’ll take what I can get!

10. Blogging community. You guys rock! It still amazes me that I am part of a community of people who I have never met, yet who I consider to be true friends and confidants. Very special.

11. AA. My people who are always there, no matter what. Who know me and accept me just as I am. Where I learned how to live again.

12. My sponsor. She just celebrated 10 years of sobriety and I adore her. She is kind, gentle, yet still continues to challenge me by her suggestions and thoughts on life and recovery.

13. Hope and faith in God’s plan. It’s what keeps me going when I feel completely and utterly lost.

14. Daily devotionals. I read them every morning and when I don’t I feel like I’m “missing” something. They keep me grounded and give me perspective and remind me that I’m part of a bigger plan – God’s plan.

15. Music. The kind that speaks to you, that you can turn up in the car and sing at the top of your lungs (which is a good thing for me and everyone else because God did not bless me with a singing voice!). I’ve been obsessed with Pink, Rihanna and Bruno Mars lately, which is strange because I’m usually a country girl but whatever. Like I said, it’s about the music.

16. New life. My best friend gave birth to a healthy baby boy last week. He is beautiful and reminds me to slow down, and cherish all the little moments.

17. Coffee. Need I say more?!

18. My house. I’m a homebody at heart and I love just “being” at home.

19. My flowers and garden. I love watching them grow and find great joy and peace in taking care of them, especially in the evenings when it’s quiet and all I hear are the birds “talking” back and forth to each other.

20. Hummingbirds. My mom and grandma loved hummingbirds and am always reminded of their presence when I see one.

21. Jesus. His words remind and encourage me to be kind, patient and forgiving.

22. Netflix. My husband and I have been watching the Ken Burns’ documentary “The West,” which reminds me just how good we have it today and the extreme endurance and bravery of those who came before us.

23. My lived experiences. Despite the ups and downs, I have the ability to reach out to others who still suffer and to reach back when they reach out to me.

24. The men and women who serve our country. I’m constantly amazed and extremely grateful to those who would leave their families and miss milestones like birthdays and kindergarten graduations to protect my freedoms.

25. Facebook. Love it or hate it, I’m grateful it gives me the opportunity to share my life and story with family and friends who I would otherwise not see.

26. The rain. While I may complain at times, I’m grateful for the nourishment it brings to the trees, plants and flowers.

27. Prozac. For me, it’s like insulin to a diabetic. I need it to help me function and without it I would be crazier than I already am! For those in recovery who don’t think you should take anything, even antidepressants, well, lets agree to disagree.

28. The gym. I’ve been taking my kids to the daycare at the gym since they were two months old and I’m still extremely grateful for the opportunity to have “me” time.

29. Good books. The kind that suck you in and encourage you to stay up way too late. I’m planning to read more of these over the summer!

30. Goodwill. The take anything, they sell everything and they support a wonderful community of people. I could spend hours there.

31. Diet Coke. Because sometimes, despite how horrible it is for you, you just need one.

One Of Those Days

Posted by lifecorked in Faith, Family, Sobriety and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Hope

Today was one of those days when I wish there was a “reset” button.

After weeks of declining health, we decided to put our last cat down this morning. In many ways, it was the end of era. When my husband and I moved in together, he had a dog and cat and I had two cats. We ended up getting rid of one of the cats early on, but created a nice family unit with the remaining dog and two cats. Eventually, kids entered the mix, our dog died, “my” cat died and we were left with one remaining cat, our sweet, little orange tabby.

I grew up with cats and dogs, and for the most part, have always had one or the other in my adult life. I think it’s safe to say there are those who like animals and those who don’t. I’m not sure if I totally trust a person who doesn’t like animals. They teach us so much about ourselves – patience, trust, gentleness, selflessness. I’m confidant my cat, Alex, taught me many lessons about motherhood before I ever had children.

For many of us, loosing a pet is similar to loosing a member of the family. I went through most of today in a daze, grieving the loss of a true friend who I jokingly referred to as my “little shadow” for the way she followed me around the house, up and down the stairs and room to room.

Part of me feels silly writing about this, but if you’re an animal person you’ll “get” it and, if not, well, this post isn’t for you.

You see, I’m feeling sad. I’m sad that I lost a friend today; I’m sad that I was on edge all day with my kids; I’m sad that nothing seemed to go “right” today.

I used to drink when I was sad; now, I write. And, I pray and talk to God and tomorrow I will meet and talk with my sponsor. And, tomorrow will be a new day and won’t seem as bad as today.

The Bunny Is Real…And Other Easter Memories

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039 (2)

You know the saying, you don’t just marry the person, you marry their family? Well, that was definitely true for me. Despite both my husband and I being only children, unlike me he is from a very large, close-knit Catholic family who all, despite a few, live within close proximity to each other. I would be lying to say that I wasn’t completely and utterly overwhelmed when I attended my first Easter celebration with his family.

Growing up, we celebrated Easter, but nothing compared to my husband’s family. The week leading up to Easter is filled with excitement and anticipation, especially now that we have two kids who are obsessed with the Easter Bunny and all things Easter. There are Easter crafts, Easter stories, Easter baking, Easter cartoons, and, of course, lots of talk about Aunt Tess’ and the Easter Bunny! And, yes, the “Easter Bunny” makes an appearance each year at the annual Easter gathering at “the farm.” Okay, so Aunt Tess used to work at Hallmark and got the bunny costume at a great deal – but I digress.

The day begins with early Mass and then everyone makes the short trip to “the farm.” It’s not technically a farm, but there are a few horses, a cow or two, dogs and lots of room for the kids to run around – it’s beautiful. It’s the first time most of us have seen each other since Christmas, so there’s a lot of catching up and eating – lots and lots of eating. At some point, someone is chosen (or told!) to be the “bunny.” Usually, it’s one of the older cousins who have yet to participate in this coming of age-like experience.

As the anticipation builds, everyone gathers on the lawn awaiting the Bunny’s arrival. It’s always a surprise as to how Mr. Bunny will make his entrance. Last year, I believe he rode in on a four-wheeler and the year before that being pulled by a tractor - like I said, you never know! Of course, once the Bunny is spotted the kids go wild, some laughing, some crying and some standing in awe. It’s a sight to see!

Over the years, I’ve come to realize how truly special this celebration is. Before the Easter dinner (as with all family celebrations), we stand in a circle holding hands and say the traditional Catholic meal prayer, giving thanks to God for all the blessings He has bestowed upon us. As you look around, you will see Nornie, the matriarch of the family, along with most of her six children and their spouses, her grandchildren and their spouses and a multitude of great-grandchildren. What a sight to behold!

As the day comes to an end, you will find groups gathered by the fire or playing a board game and a few napping on the sofas, exhausted from the day’s activities. Those of us who have children, will gather them up, load them in the car and drive home, tired yet grateful for another year of Easter at “the farm.”

And, this year, I will be especially grateful for my second Easter spent sober and present, enjoying the excitement and joy of my children and glorifying the Lord who makes it all possible.

Blessings this Easter and always!

Finding New Ways to Celebrate

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Mom

Today is my mom’s birthday. If she were still alive, she would be 64. She died almost seven years ago from pancreatic cancer and not a day goes by that I don’t think of her and wonder how my life would be different if she was still here.

In the past, I used her birthday as an excuse to drink. Since she wasn’t around to celebrate, I figured I’d celebrate for both of us, which meant drinking more than I would normally drink. Now, I realize that I drank because I missed her and I wanted (or needed) to numb the sadness I felt in not having her with me. Instead of focusing on the beautiful life she led before leaving us, I focused on the grief of not having her with us.

Today, was the first time I have woken up on her birthday feeling peaceful and joyful. I still miss her horribly; more than I could ever convey through words. The pain runs deep and I know there will always be a piece of me missing. However, today I choose to focus on her beautiful life and celebrate it without drinking. I will be completely and totally present and focus on those things which she loved.

As I look out the window, I see the tulips beginning to show themselves and the daffodils beginning to bloom. Besides her family and animals, her greatest love was being in her garden. She loved this time of year; a new beginning as new life slowly appeared after a long, grey winter.

Earlier this morning, I sat down at my sewing machine and worked on my son’s new valances as I sipped my coffee and listened to one of her old records. She was an amazing seamstress; I only realize now just how good she was. My stitches are uneven and often messy. Her work was neat and precise, something that only comes with time and practice. I picture her smiling (and perhaps laughing) at my attempts, knowing in time I will figure it out.

This afternoon, I will take my son and daughter to frozen yogurt to celebrate Grammy Rickie’s birthday. It is important for me that they know that just because someone is gone, doesn’t mean we stop celebrating their life. In talking about her and celebrating her, I hope I can always honor her life and memory.

She wasn’t perfect. She had her demons as we all do. Her life was challenging at times; sometimes more than she thought she could handle. But, she did and she did it with grace, dignity and bravery.

Although, I lost her way too soon, I am so grateful I had her for the time I did. Would I change things if I could? Perhaps. But, I know that God needed her more than I did. Her strength and bravery continue to guide me on this journey through life.

And, when the time comes, and I see her again I will laugh with her about my messy and uneven seams.

Happy birthday, Mom!

I Relapsed On Facebook

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Friends

It’s true…I relapsed on Facebook.

I had every good intention of stepping back, taking a break and simplifying my life. But, I only lasted a week.

The truth is, I missed my friends and family. Okay, so I don’t “see” them or “talk” to them on a regular basis, but I still feel connected to them and Facebook makes that possible.

I guess you could say I have a love-hate relationship with Facebook. My husband always jokes that I was born in the wrong decade – or century. I have a special love for the traditional and romantic. I long for the days of Little Women or Anne of Green Gables. A simplistic way of life where friends and family gather for tea or coffee, write love letters to each other and frolic through green fields (okay, maybe not frolic, but you get the picture). I know, life was not simple during those times. They still had their issues and life was anything but perfect – but I can still dream, right?

In this day and age, I find myself feeling suffocated with the information overload. Smart phones, texts, messaging, e-mail, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc. I participate to a certain extent, yet I still find myself baffled by the need to be in touch 24/7. Where is the mystery? The joy and anticipation of seeing someone you haven’t seen in years? The excitement in the unknown?

I guess it’s the romantic in me that longs for “the way things used to be.” Did I just say that? Oh no, a sure sign that I’m getting old!

So, here I am; blogging about Facebook. Ironic, yes. Despite my confliction, I don’t want to be one of “those” people who stands still while the world passes them by. No, never!

With that, I will embrace the here and now, and when I’m feeling the need for a more simplistic time and place I will download one of the classics onto my Kindle – ha!

Real Love

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Love Story

My husband and I don’t do a lot these days for Valentine’s Day. We have two kids six and under and life is hectic. We honor the day with a card and a small token of our appreciation for each other. It’s not like the old days when he would whisk me away for surprise overnight trips to the beach or fancy dinners, but that’s okay. You see, waking up next to him every morning is good enough, in fact, it’s perfect.

In the early days, there was the anticipation and excitement, and more than that, there was the unknown. Perhaps, part of the excitement was the unknown. Today, when I look at my husband I see our history. I see the joy and happiness we have experienced and I see the dark times we have endured. At times, I have not been easy to love. In fact, I have been impossible. But, he never left and he never stopped looking for a reason to love me.

When I look at my husband today, I see love – our imperfect love. Our real love.

And, I thank God for putting him in my life because I cannot imagine loving anyone else the way I love him.

Happy Valentine’s Day. May you experience real love today and always.

Feeling the Music

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Record Player

For Christmas, my husband got me a record player. Yes, you heard me right, a record player. Well, I actually ordered it, wrapped it and put it under the tree, but in any case, it was a gift from my husband. Why in the world would I want a record player? See, when my mom died over six years ago, I inherited all of her records in addition to all of my grandparent’s records. Besides smelling a bit musty, they were in pretty good condition. So, I hauled them home and put them in a basket in the office. And, there they sat for some time. Once in a while I would go through them, remembering all the hours I spent playing around on my grandparent’s turn table, fascinated by the whole process of needle to record and then music – amazing!

I grew up with music. My mom’s cousin worked for Merle Haggard for many years so I remember a lot of classic country at my grandparent’s house, which made sense with my grandma being from Texas and all! My dad introduced me to classic rock from an early age. In fact, the very first song I remember singing was that Police song that goes “little black spot on the sun today” or something like that. My mom was really into folk country/rock and introduced me to the greats like Bonnie Raitt, Emmylou Harris and Nanci Griffith. To this day, my favorite artists aren’t those of my generation but those who I grew up with and was exposed to at an early age.

When I came across a great deal on a new Crosley player on Zulily, I knew I had to have it. Being the great guy that he is, my husband even surprised me with a few new records to go along with it – Willie Nelson, Emmylou Harris and Van Morrison (you see what I’m talking about?!).  Now, when I’m in my office sewing, working on the computer or crafting I can play one of my records and instantly be transported back to my grandparent’s living room or a sunny day at the house I grew up in with the stereo blasting and six-year-old me dancing in circles singing along – not a care in the world.

Music is a connection to our past. It’s often what keeps the memories alive when everything else is gone. I’m still grieving over my mom’s death, but listening to her Beach Boys record or an Emmylou Harris song she loved lets me feel close to her, connected to her.

In the new year, I’m going to try to sit back, relax more and feel the music. I encourage you to do the same!