Tag Archives: letting go of fear

Let There Be Light

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“He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust.”

Matthew 5:45

I woke up this morning feeling kind of blah. It rained all night and was still raining this morning when I got up. My stomach felt kind of cruddy and, well, I was just in one of those moods. You know, the kind where everything looks grey and wet, and despite being the first day of Spring, you feel like the sun might never shine again. If you live or have ever lived in the Pacific Northwest you know what I’m talking about.

Anyway, sitting down with my first cup of coffee I opened my daily devotional to find today’s topic “Thoughts On Rain.” With that, I said to myself, “Okay, God, I’m listening.” Geez, how does He do that?! As I read, the author talked about the dreary feeling of watching the rain beat against her newly planted flowers, yet within a few hours of the sun coming up they were standing straight and strong. Wow, what a beautiful visual! At that point, I said to myself, “Okay, God, I get it.”

And, I thought back to all the times in my life where I had experienced torrential downpours, yet as the “rain” lifted I often discovered new growth and new beginnings. How often do we get stuck in the gloom and doom of life’s storms, instead of focusing on the nourishment God is providing us? Often, we don’t realize the new growth until the wreckage of the storm is cleared and we see the beauty in all the new life around us.

It’s still raining here, but instead of focusing on the grey skies, I’m focused on that small patch of sun illuminating the valley below. Because, in the worst storm, God will always provide us with His light if we search for it.

Happy Spring!

Six Months Sober – Round Two

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Stronger

I found this photo fitting since I just got a new VW. I’m sure one day, years from now, it might look like this too. Old, tattered, but well-loved. Kind of like me, however, I wouldn’t consider myself THAT old – yet!

Today, I will attend a women’s meeting and get my six month coin – for the second time. How do I feel? I’m happy, I’m content, I’m not perfect, but I’m trying to be the very best version of myself that I can be and that God intended me to be.

The difference this time around, I’m not angry anymore. I’m not angry that I have the disease of alcoholism. The obsession to drink has been lifted and for that I am truly grateful. Once I was able to let go and surrender to God, I felt free. Free from the anger, the cravings, the guilt. I got to the point of acceptance. I accept the “broken road” that God has led me down. At first, I tried to fight it. God knows, I tried with all I had to fight the truth.

But, the truth is, once I stopped fighting, I was finally able to start living. I love my life today. I still struggle, but I now have the strength and courage to get through things without drinking. Drinking is not my crutch anymore; I have to face things head on. It’s not easy sometimes, but it feels so good – to feel. I feel hurt, anger, sadness, but I also feel an immense amount of joy, happiness, peace and contentment.

Sobriety has given me the opportunity to live, to try new things, to write again. I have so many desires and wishes for my sober life. It’s exciting and sometimes it’s overwhelming because the possibilities are endless.

I have to stop, quiet my thoughts and ask God what direction I should take. I trust in His path for me. I don’t have a plan anymore and that’s okay. With each day, He’s guiding me and revealing to me where to go and what to do.

Today, I am grateful to be alive so I can share my experience, strength and hope with you.

TheBetterMom.com

I Found God

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Faith

I know, it sounds so cliché to say “I got sober and found God,” but it’s true for me. I’m not saying I didn’t believe in God before I got sober; I simply had a very distant view of Him. To me, God was this ever powerful guy who was looming down from above, waiting to point His finger at me every time I did something wrong. I didn’t trust Him and I sure didn’t believe He had a plan for me. Truthfully, I was scared of Him and scared of the idea that something greater than myself was running my life. When you’re a “type a” control freak the last thing you want to think is that someone else is making the decisions.

I played the part well. I went to church with my husband, said the Our Father, kneeled, stood (and kneeled again), got my blessing and said a prayer here and there – usually when I really needed something. But, that’s as far as I got. In fact, I used to roll my eyes at ”those” people who would go on and on about their love for Christ and all the great things He had provided for them. In my mind I would think, “sure, that’s great for you, but that just doesn’t apply to me.” The truth is, I didn’t get it. Wasn’t our life and the decisions we made up to us? And, if something unplanned did happen to us, wasn’t it up to us to make it better?

Control. That’s how I lived my life. I wanted to control everything around me, including the people closest to me. Manipulation, dishonesty, guilt – I had a lot of tricks up my sleeve. But, you know what? In the end, none of it worked. Not until I hit my bottom and realized once and for all I couldn’t control my life. In fact, I couldn’t control anything or anyone.

I’m envious of those who have always had an innate faith in God. I consider my husband one of those people who has never doubted or swayed in his belief and faith in God. For some of us, like myself, we only come to have that faith through trials and tribulations. I have never experienced something so freeing as when I finally surrendered the control that had held me prisoner for so long and gave it over to God. And, the thing is, life is so much easier now!

When I am worried, stressed or fearful, I give it over to God, knowing that He will take care of it. And, I trust, that no matter the outcome it is all part of His plan. In this crazy world, I cannot tell you how much peace and comfort it gives me to know that I have a God who cares about me and loves me just the way I am.

Making Things Happen

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Henry David Thoreau

I did it! I FINALLY registered for my first mud run! What the heck is a “mud run” you might ask? Well, it’s usually a 5k run and obstacle course that takes place in the mud. Yes, that’s correct, in the mud. They’ve gained in popularity over the past few years and I’ve been wanting to do one ever since I first heard about them.

Let’s get this straight. I’m not a runner. I gave up running years ago when I developed bursitis in my knee (getting old sucks!). However, I do excercise on a regular basis, which mainly includes the elliptical and light weights. I figure I can survive the moderate running portion, but I’ll LOVE the muddy obstacle course. I mean, really, how often do grown women have an excuse to roll around in the mud by choice!?

If you ask my husband, I’ve been talking (key word) about doing a mud run for over a year now. I would research them, figure out which one would be best for me…and then do nothing.

When I was drinking, I had A LOT of great ideas. Oh, and let me tell you, they were great alright. I was that typical person who would talk and talk about ALL the things I was going to do, yet never actually take the step to do them. That little voice inside my head would somehow talk me out of it and I would find myself back at the beginning, talking but never doing.

When I got sober I realized fear had kept me from taking that first step from talking to actually doing. Fear had been that little voice inside my head saying “you can’t do that,” “you’re not good enough,” “what would people think?” Fear had held me back from truly living my life.

With this new year of resolutions and goals, I decided fear was no longer going to rule my life. So, when my friend told me about the mud run, I said “yes!” Before thinking, talking or debating it, I went online and registered. There. It’s done. I’m doing it.

Don’t let fear rule your life. Stop talking and start doing. Yes, it’s that easy.