Tag Archives: motherhood

Finding New Ways to Celebrate

Posted by lifecorked in Faith, Family, Sobriety and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Mom

Today is my mom’s birthday. If she were still alive, she would be 64. She died almost seven years ago from pancreatic cancer and not a day goes by that I don’t think of her and wonder how my life would be different if she was still here.

In the past, I used her birthday as an excuse to drink. Since she wasn’t around to celebrate, I figured I’d celebrate for both of us, which meant drinking more than I would normally drink. Now, I realize that I drank because I missed her and I wanted (or needed) to numb the sadness I felt in not having her with me. Instead of focusing on the beautiful life she led before leaving us, I focused on the grief of not having her with us.

Today, was the first time I have woken up on her birthday feeling peaceful and joyful. I still miss her horribly; more than I could ever convey through words. The pain runs deep and I know there will always be a piece of me missing. However, today I choose to focus on her beautiful life and celebrate it without drinking. I will be completely and totally present and focus on those things which she loved.

As I look out the window, I see the tulips beginning to show themselves and the daffodils beginning to bloom. Besides her family and animals, her greatest love was being in her garden. She loved this time of year; a new beginning as new life slowly appeared after a long, grey winter.

Earlier this morning, I sat down at my sewing machine and worked on my son’s new valances as I sipped my coffee and listened to one of her old records. She was an amazing seamstress; I only realize now just how good she was. My stitches are uneven and often messy. Her work was neat and precise, something that only comes with time and practice. I picture her smiling (and perhaps laughing) at my attempts, knowing in time I will figure it out.

This afternoon, I will take my son and daughter to frozen yogurt to celebrate Grammy Rickie’s birthday. It is important for me that they know that just because someone is gone, doesn’t mean we stop celebrating their life. In talking about her and celebrating her, I hope I can always honor her life and memory.

She wasn’t perfect. She had her demons as we all do. Her life was challenging at times; sometimes more than she thought she could handle. But, she did and she did it with grace, dignity and bravery.

Although, I lost her way too soon, I am so grateful I had her for the time I did. Would I change things if I could? Perhaps. But, I know that God needed her more than I did. Her strength and bravery continue to guide me on this journey through life.

And, when the time comes, and I see her again I will laugh with her about my messy and uneven seams.

Happy birthday, Mom!

Taking Inventory

Posted by lifecorked in Faith, Sobriety and tagged with , , , , , , ,

No pictures, no quotes, no DIY, no recipes. Today, was one of those days I needed to write. I started this blog so I could have an outlet to share my experience; my story; my sober life. It’s my therapy; my free form of therapy if you will (I’ve had plenty of the kind you pay for too). Sometimes I just need to vent. You may or may not relate to everything I talk about, but my hope is we will all relate on the human level. The level of just living life.

The last few days I’ve been feeling icky. Not icky in the sense of being sick, but icky in the sense of feeling anxious, agitated and stressed. I’m quick to snap and the smallest thing can push me over the edge. Usually, I notice my OCD acting up and I immediately know something is “off.” For a recovering alcoholic this is not a good place to be because it lowers our defenses against that first drink. And, for us, there’s never “just one drink.” It’s a scary place to be, which is why when I start feeling this way I know it’s time to take inventory.

It’s kind of like when you lose your keys and you have to stop everything you’re doing and go back in your mind to where you last saw them. In a similar way, I have to stop and go back to what happened to make me feel this way. Once I started thinking about it, I realized it started on Monday. For some reason the kids were at each other all day on Monday. I felt like I was constantly playing referee. Monday night my husband had to work late, which meant I couldn’t make my favorite recovery meeting and he wouldn’t be home to put the kids down – something he does every night. On Tuesday morning, he had to leave before the kids got up, which meant the kids didn’t see him that morning either. By this time, our routine was completely off. For better or worse, we are very routine oriented people and anything that deviates from that routine tends to put us all on edge, especially me. So, there you go, I figured it out.

Now, what could I have done differently to change my reaction to the situation? I could’ve prepared better by talking to the kids about the fact that it was a busy time for Daddy and he would be gone more than normal; I could’ve asked my in-laws to watch the kids while I went to my meeting (because I really needed one); I could’ve called my sponsor when I first started feeling stressed (because that’s what you do); I could’ve read out of my recovery books; I could’ve said some extra prayers or opened my Bible. I could’ve and should’ve. The important point I’m trying to make is that, through recovery, I have learned how to STOP and take inventory. How am I feeling and how did I get here?

I tend to think it’s a great tool for everyone, regardless if you’re in a recovery program or not. How many times have we kept tumbling out of control, never stopping to ask ourselves “what is going on?” Taking inventory of your feelings doesn’t mean blaming someone else for the way you feel, it simply means reviewing how you got to where you are and, hopefully, learning ways to prevent it from happening next time.

Yes, I am a planner and I like routine, but as I always remind myself – life is not perfect. Things come up. Heck, life comes up! As long as I am prepared with the tools I need to approach the unexpected and spiritually fit, I can tackle what life throws my way. I truly believe God will not give me anything I can’t handle, including two strong-willed kids!

Thanks for letting me vent!

 

The Sky’s the Limit

Posted by lifecorked in Sobriety and tagged with , , , , , , , ,

Yesterday, my daughter and I embarked on our first mother-daughter trip. Our destination was San Jose to visit my grandpa who will be 93 in April. He’s amazing. He e-mails, Skype’s and still lives in the same house he built in the 1950s. I love him dearly and wanted my daughter, who is six, to have some quality time with him before it’s too late.

Although my daughter had been on a couple of flights as a toddler, she has no memory of them so was ecstatic to fly on a plane! She had her American Girl doll dressed, packed and ready to go in her carrying case last week. Hey, at least she plans ahead, right?!

Once on the plane, she was practically jumping out of her seat with excitement. I was looking forward to a fun and (hopefully) relaxing weekend away from the typical craziness of driving two kids to and from school and other activities. I might actually get to read those two magazines I got in the mail weeks ago!

As we settled in, I reached for the flight menu card to see what kind of soda they had as I had promised my daughter a “special drink” on the flight. And, then I saw it. I knew we were flying Horizon, and offshoot of Alaska Airlines, but had completely forgotten that on select Horizon flights they offer complimentary beer and wine – free wine and beer people! Before, when I was drinking, I would pray (well, not really) but seriously hope and wish that I would land on one of these flights when I flew somewhere. I had been on a couple and had thoroughly enjoyed them. Not to the extent like the guy who was duck taped to his seat on a flight a few weeks ago, but nonetheless REALLY enjoyed them!

I looked over the selections of the “monthly” wine and beer. Today they were featuring a new chardonnay – my drink of choice. I thought how different it would be if I was still drinking. I would have no problem taking advantage of the complimentary part of this deal. I was on vacation; I wasn’t driving once we landed – all the more reason to live it up!

When the drink cart made its way toward us from the back of the plane, I contemplated what I would order. The cart arrived and there it stood, five inches from my face – a beautiful, unopened bottle of chardonnay. I quickly ordered a soda for my daughter and one for myself. However, I was overly aware of what others ordered around me. Wasn’t anyone going to have a glass of wine? Heck, it was already noon – let the party begin! We were sitting toward the back of the plane, so the cart slowly made its way to the front and then back again. As it passed us for the second time, I took stock of the wine. Are you kidding me?! Only half the bottle was gone! Are you people crazy?! It’s free wine! Drink up! Finally, the two gay guys sitting behind us ordered a glass each. Well, at least they’re taking advantage of it. But, seriously, one glass. What’s the point.

Yes, this is how my mind works. This is the mind of an alcoholic.

I’m not going to lie. The very briefest thought crossed my mind of how easy it would be to “just have one.” No one knows me on the plane; my daughter is much to young to really “get it.” But, then, reality set back in and I looked at my daughter in her pure joy and excitement and thought “who am I kidding?” This is my life. Right here, right now. This beautiful little girl sitting beside me, anticipating this fun and exciting trip with her Mommy. They can take their complimentary wine and beer and shove it. There is no free drink in this world that is worth sacrificing everything I have, right here in front of me.