Tag Archives: sober blogs

I Didn’t Plan This

Posted by lifecorked in Faith, Sobriety and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Whatever Is My Lot

Last night, as I was walking around our neighborhood, I met a couple and their daughter who recently moved here from New Mexico. I had been wanting to meet them, and was excited about our chance encounter. When I first spotted them from a distance, I noticed they were pushing a wheelchair. For a moment, I thought perhaps it was an elderly parent, but as I got closer I realized it was a young child. In talking with them, I learned their daughter was twelve, but has the mental capacity of a two year old. The mom joked that she had been raising a toddler for ten years and I was relieved by her light heartedness.

As we stood in the middle of the street, talking and getting to know each other, another couple passing by joined us in our conversation. I had met them before and knew that they too had a daughter with special needs who was wheelchair-bound. Standing there, I found myself thinking “What a group.” From the outside, we look like any “typical” group of 30 and 40-something neighbors. Two doctors, a stay-at-home dad, a stay-at-home mom/marathon runner and a stay-at-home mom “with the pretty front yard.” Yet, there we stood, two families with special needs children and one alcoholic stay-at-home mom. Eventually, we said our goodbyes and I continued on my walk around the neighborhood.

Today, as I was reflecting on our neighborhood gathering, I found myself thinking how our lives rarely turn out how we imagine or expect them to be. Oh, believe me, I had the perfect plan for how my life would turn out. I would go to college, get my master’s degree, get married, have two children by the time I was 30 (preferably boy and girl) and live happily ever after. What I forgot to plan for was all the stuff in between and the unexpected.

I never planned for my parents to get divorced or to suffer from anxiety and OCD. I never planned for my mom to die at such an early age; I never planned to almost lose my marriage and family; and I definitely never planned to be an alcoholic stay-at-home mom. I’m not alone. We all live with the unexpected. On the six month anniversary of the Newtown shootings, I think of the families who never expected in a million years that they would lose a loved one to such a tragic event; or the two local families who recently lost their 18 and 19 year old children to car accidents; or the families I spoke to last night who never expected to have special needs children.

The thing that gives me hope and leaves me in awe is despite the unexpected, we continue to live. Despite the pain and suffering, we still wake up each morning and face the day. Instead of asking “Why me?” we ask “Why not me?”

I used to be really pissed at God for how my life turned out. I’ve always been a planner and this was NOT my plan. Eventually, I stopped being angry and started living – what other choice did I have? I truly believe that God doesn’t give us more than we can handle – maybe we think He does, but He doesn’t. He knows us better than we could ever know ourselves and that gives me peace. We realize this when we think we have lost all strength to go on, yet somehow, someway find the strength to continue.

As I looked around at my neighbors last night, I saw that strength firsthand. Strength in living and doing the unexpected.

 

 

Food For Thought

Posted by lifecorked in Sobriety and tagged with , , , , , , , , ,

Food

Over the past couple weeks, there’s been a lot of talk about food addictions, particularly sugar, in the sober blogging community. It seems like most of us in recovery continue to struggle with our addictions in some form or another despite giving up our “main” addiction.

When I first got sober, I craved sugar. Not like “Oh, I kind of feel like something sweet,” but like “I NEED something sweet NOW!” Chocolate cake was my friend along with ice cream, candy – really, whatever I could get my hands on. It was the first time I had ever experienced food as a form of addiction. In fact, before getting sober I didn’t even really like sweets. Little did I realize at the time, that I was getting my “fix” and then some through all the wine I was drinking!

My “sweet tooth” has subsided since first getting sober, but I know it’s something many of us continue to struggle with. Before getting sober, I never looked at food addiction as a REAL addiction. Basically, I just thought fat people were fat because they liked food too much and couldn’t control themselves. I mean, come on, how hard is it to just shut the refrigerator door or not eat that extra helping of ice cream?

Of course, that would be the same thing as someone asking me, “Why can’t you just have one drink?” or “Do you really have to finish that WHOLE bottle of wine?” I was ignorant and judgmental.

As Heather from At The Picket Fence says, “addiction is addiction.”

Heather, along with her sister Vanessa (who is a dear friend of mine), co-authors a wonderful lifestyle blog called At The Picket Fence. While their posts usually center on DIY projects, parties and decorating, Heather recently posted her very personal and honest story about food addiction and what she’s doing about it.

As I read Heather’s story, I was struck by the similarities between her addiction to food and mine to alcohol. She says, “I eat when I’m happy; I eat when I’m sad. I eat when I’m stressed. I eat to celebrate, I eat to mourn…and occasionally I eat for sustenance.” Just replace “eat” with “drink” and you would have my story. It’s that simple. Addition is addiction.

I continue to be amazed and grateful to people like Heather who open their hearts and souls in an effort to help others. Her honesty is refreshing and much needed in a culture of addiction that is often based on secrecy and deceit.

Thank you, Heather. For more of Heather’s story you can go here.

Dirty Girl

Posted by lifecorked in Sobriety and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

IMG_1375

Dirty Girl Mud Run. Check.

Last Saturday, I participated in and finished my first mud run. It was awesome, amazing, dirty – and I loved every minute of it! I was on a team with four other women, appropriately named Mudlife Crisis!

This picture is so representative of the past year for me. A number of phrases and metaphors come to mind when I look at it: “one step at a time,” “no pain, no gain,” “do the impossible,” “every rose has it’s thorn,” “look toward the future,” “reach for the stars,” “one day at a time” just to name a few. But, really, that smile says it all – a sense of accomplishment.

I haven’t always been good at following through with things. I’m a big idea person. I’ve accomplished some great things in my life, but I’ve had even greater ideas. And, when I was drinking I had REALLY good ideas and intentions. At one point, I was going to start a business, sell jewelry, sell makeup, sew all my own clothes (seriously), raise chickens, get my real estate license, get certified to be a fitness trainer, start blogs, stop blogs and the list goes on. I would plan parties and cancel them; I would schedule lunches and dinners and back out at the last minute; I would commit myself to something and then find a reason I couldn’t do it. And, I did all of these things with no regard to how it affected others. Me, me, me – that’s all I thought about.

I’m far from a saint these days, but I do my very best to follow through with what I say I’m going to do. You would think it’s pretty simple, but for someone like me it takes discipline. And, it also requires learning to say “No.” Learning to be responsible and take control of my life has been consequential to my recovery. I can’t do it all and I can’t always make everyone happy, but I can show up and do my best.

This past weekend, I showed up and got really dirty in the process – and it was great!

Tired, But Grateful

Posted by lifecorked in Faith, Family, Sobriety and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Grateful

What a week it has been! At times, I felt like a fish out of water, gasping for air. I kept telling myself, “Just make it ’till Friday and then you can relax!” Well, Friday is here and I’m tired, but feeling extremely grateful. And, since it’s the last day of the month (and I have at least 31 things to be grateful for today), here’s my gratitude list for the day in no particular order:

1. My sobriety. I celebrated 9 months on Tuesday. No words can describe how grateful I am for this blessed sober life.

2. My son who ”graduated” from preschool. He is kind, sweet, affectionate and his smile always melts my heart.

3. My daughter who graduated from kindergarten. She is strong, caring, independent and described as “hard-working” by her teacher. She inspires me to be a better person.

4. Teachers. God bless them. My children have been extremely blessed to have amazing teachers who teach them, guide them and inspire them to be their very best. It is a God-given gift to teach preschool and kindergarten because after spending two hours in a class of 20, I’m ready to pull my hair out!

5. Friends and family. Those who encourage, support and help guide me on this journey.

6. My husband’s work. That he is able to have a career that keeps him busy, that he enjoys and that allows for me to stay home and be available to our children. For this, I’m extremely grateful.

7. Dishwasher. You don’t realize how much you depend on this time-saving appliance until it breaks. And, to those repair people who can come to your home, take it apart and get it working again. Greg (appliance man), yesterday you were my hero!

8. Sun. After MANY days of rain, I’m ready for some vitamin d!

9. Summer vacation. No “real” schedules and convincing my kids that I “get” to sleep in until 6:30 instead of 6:00. Hey, I’ll take what I can get!

10. Blogging community. You guys rock! It still amazes me that I am part of a community of people who I have never met, yet who I consider to be true friends and confidants. Very special.

11. AA. My people who are always there, no matter what. Who know me and accept me just as I am. Where I learned how to live again.

12. My sponsor. She just celebrated 10 years of sobriety and I adore her. She is kind, gentle, yet still continues to challenge me by her suggestions and thoughts on life and recovery.

13. Hope and faith in God’s plan. It’s what keeps me going when I feel completely and utterly lost.

14. Daily devotionals. I read them every morning and when I don’t I feel like I’m “missing” something. They keep me grounded and give me perspective and remind me that I’m part of a bigger plan – God’s plan.

15. Music. The kind that speaks to you, that you can turn up in the car and sing at the top of your lungs (which is a good thing for me and everyone else because God did not bless me with a singing voice!). I’ve been obsessed with Pink, Rihanna and Bruno Mars lately, which is strange because I’m usually a country girl but whatever. Like I said, it’s about the music.

16. New life. My best friend gave birth to a healthy baby boy last week. He is beautiful and reminds me to slow down, and cherish all the little moments.

17. Coffee. Need I say more?!

18. My house. I’m a homebody at heart and I love just “being” at home.

19. My flowers and garden. I love watching them grow and find great joy and peace in taking care of them, especially in the evenings when it’s quiet and all I hear are the birds “talking” back and forth to each other.

20. Hummingbirds. My mom and grandma loved hummingbirds and am always reminded of their presence when I see one.

21. Jesus. His words remind and encourage me to be kind, patient and forgiving.

22. Netflix. My husband and I have been watching the Ken Burns’ documentary “The West,” which reminds me just how good we have it today and the extreme endurance and bravery of those who came before us.

23. My lived experiences. Despite the ups and downs, I have the ability to reach out to others who still suffer and to reach back when they reach out to me.

24. The men and women who serve our country. I’m constantly amazed and extremely grateful to those who would leave their families and miss milestones like birthdays and kindergarten graduations to protect my freedoms.

25. Facebook. Love it or hate it, I’m grateful it gives me the opportunity to share my life and story with family and friends who I would otherwise not see.

26. The rain. While I may complain at times, I’m grateful for the nourishment it brings to the trees, plants and flowers.

27. Prozac. For me, it’s like insulin to a diabetic. I need it to help me function and without it I would be crazier than I already am! For those in recovery who don’t think you should take anything, even antidepressants, well, lets agree to disagree.

28. The gym. I’ve been taking my kids to the daycare at the gym since they were two months old and I’m still extremely grateful for the opportunity to have “me” time.

29. Good books. The kind that suck you in and encourage you to stay up way too late. I’m planning to read more of these over the summer!

30. Goodwill. The take anything, they sell everything and they support a wonderful community of people. I could spend hours there.

31. Diet Coke. Because sometimes, despite how horrible it is for you, you just need one.

Being Content

Posted by lifecorked in Faith, Sobriety and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Contentment

Yesterday, I read a great post by Paul over at Message in a Bottle. In his post, he talks about the “meh-ness” of life.  He describes this “meh-ness” as being “times of inertness and mid-level drabness.  Neither here nor there type of deals. The pause before the next note on the scale.  A certain form of unwanted stillness and unsureness.”

Today, I had a “meh” day. It was raining and grey outside, I was home with a sick kid for the second day in a row, I managed to ruin the first of two batches of cookies (thanks to rancid nuts) and burned dinner. In the past, I would have viewed today as a total waste and disappointment. I didn’t “do” anything and I didn’t particularly “achieve” anything.

And, then, I watch the news and see the people in Oklahoma who have lost everything. And, I think, “You know, it’s okay. It’s okay to just be.” It’s okay to have just a “meh” type of day. In fact, I find more and more that these days teach me to slow down, relax and be in the moment. Today, I was grateful I had a warm house to shelter me from the rain, supplies to bake cookies, my son and daughter to snuggle on the couch with and a God who gives me all I truly need in this life.

I used to view contentment as “just settling.” Contentment wasn’t something to achieve in life, it was something to pass up for something greater. Contentment was boring. People who were content had given up on life. I never wanted to be “just” content, yet in an effort to surpass contentment I always found myself wanting, needing and yearning for more. Drinking fueled my desire and helped (or so I thought) cope with the emptiness. And, eventually, I got really tired of feeling that way.

In early recovery, I was told that I would “know a new freedom and a new happiness.” And, it is true. I find this freedom and happiness in being content with my every day life. Not wanting more, and not wanting less. But, just being content with what God has given me today.

Thanks, Paul, for reminding me that even the “meh” days are good days.

TheBetterMom.com

Reflections on a Wine Obsessed Culture

Posted by lifecorked in Sobriety and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Wine

This morning I read an article in the Boston Globe that really resonated with me. In her article, “Women, drinking, and wine-as-reward culture,” Kara Baskin discusses the paradox of wine being celebrated and pushed with wine labels like “MommyJuice” and “Mommy’s Time Out” while “The Center for Substance Abuse Prevention reports that 2.7 million American women abuse alcohol.” She goes on to explain that defining alcoholism among women is often challenging because “not everyone who grapples with alcohol use is a stereotypical in-the-gutter alcoholic. Many are outwardly functional and successful.” If we’re still getting up in the morning, making breakfast, taking the kids to school, going to work, we must be okay.

At least that’s what I thought. How could I possibly be an alcoholic? Most of the women I know drink. It’s our way of letting go after a stressful day or like Baskin says, “It’s a legal mode of escapism, and the camaraderie over talking about drinking is as intoxicating as the buzz itself — especially among mothers.”

But, how much are we really drinking? I was a wino – I loved my wine! Okay, I also liked vodka and gin, but my drink of choice was always wine. And, it was acceptable. Who doesn’t have a glass of wine at dinner? Who doesn’t have a glass of wine while visiting with girlfriends? It was just what people in my world did – and still do. But, I was completely ignorant of how much I was really drinking. According to Baskin’s article, “a ‘standard drink’ is 12 ounces of beer with 5 percent alcohol, 5 ounces of wine with 12 percent alcohol, or 1.5 ounces of 80-proof liquor.” When did I ever pour 5 oz. of wine? The answer would be NEVER. Do you? If you still drink, I challenge you to pour your regular glass of wine and measure it. I’m guessing it’s more like 8-10 oz. And, the same goes with liquor. My shots were more like 3-4 oz. in a typical cocktail, but then again, I’m just guessing because I never actually measured it.

The point is, I was lying to myself in order to justify how much I was drinking. If I filled my large wine glass to the top, well, it was still just one glass of wine, right? Towards the end of my drinking, I would have a “couple” cocktails before my husband got home and then a “couple” or a “few” glasses of wine in the evening. Realistically, I was having four cocktails and 4-5 glasses of wine – each day. Seeing that number written, astonishes me. Can you imagine what that was doing to my body? Ugh.

We tell ourselves what we want to hear. In no way, did I want to hear or even acknowledge I had a drinking problem. What kind of person would I be if I was an alcoholic? I sure wouldn’t be the high-functioning-have-it-altogether-type I was known for. The stigma was too much.

People have asked me, and I’m sure others often wonder why I choose to speak out or write about my alcoholism. And, I’m sure there are those who wish I would just shut up already about it. It’s simple. I share my story to help remind myself of where I came from and what I used to be like and to help other women like me who are still there.

 

Paying It Forward

Posted by lifecorked in Sobriety and tagged with , , , , , , , ,

2013-shine_on-from-eye-dancer

Okay, so this is pretty cool. The other day I received an e-mail informing me that Recovering By Grace had nominated me for the “Shine On” Award. Honestly, I was surprised and genuinely humbled that someone else out there (besides my husband) thought something of my writing and blog. I’m feeling very grateful as this is my FIRST award since starting this blog!

In receiving this award, it’s only right that I pay it forward by following the rules as detailed by Recovering By Grace:

“This award is for the blogs that shine, make you feel good and are inspiring to the reader.”

  • Link back to the blogger who nominated you (above)
  • Share some facts about yourself or answer questions given to you.  (below)
  • Nominate fifteen bloggers who shine a little light in your day and be sure to notify them. (below facts)

So, some facts about myself. Hmmm…this could get interesting – or really boring. Okay, here goes:

1. Like Recovering By Grace, many people want to know more about my name. Chenoa means “peace” and the symbol of the white dove. The origin of my name is Native American, however, as far as I know I have little or no Native American in me. The best fun fact about my name is that my parents got it out of the New Age Baby Name Book – yes, they were hippies! I hated my name growing up ( I really wanted to be a Cindy or something normal) but have grown to like it over the years. Oh, and apparently there’s a town called Chenoa in Illinois.

2. As mentioned above, both of my parents were hippies and I was raised in a tiny town in Northern California up a long dirt road on 13 acres of Redwood trees. And, no, I didn’t have to walk to school up hill in snow, but it did rain a lot and sometimes the road flooded!

3. During the summer of my 5th and 6th grade year, I attended a performing arts camp called Camp Winnarainbow created and run by the famous Wavy Gravy and his wife. We slept in tepees and were woken up each morning by a conch shell and a recording of Jimi Hendrix playing the National Anthem. No joke.

4. I was never baptized, but will be baptized in the Catholic Church next Easter. I consider this a very personal and intimate decision and am grateful to my parents for allowing me this choice in life by choosing not to baptize me as a baby.

5. While I was raised by very liberal parents, I now consider myself to be a conservative Christian. Perhaps, some would say I’m rebelling against my upbringing or because I married a conservative Catholic, but in all honesty, my political and religious views have changed and evolved over the years due to my lived experiences. I don’t feel like one or two words necessarily define me as a person and, in turn, I don’t let it define others. I have very liberal and very conservative friends and family and I love them all.

Okay, so now onto the nominations! This was hard because many of the blogs that have already been nominated are blogs that also inspire me. However, I looked over the blogs I follow and came up with what I believe is a pretty deserving list! Some are recovery related, some are not. But, they all inspire me to be a better person. I hope you will check them out because I think they’re pretty awesome! Here they are in no particular order:

http://mysterygirlunknown.wordpress.com/

http://soberistas.wordpress.com/

http://dorothyrecovers.com/

http://livingwithoutalcohol.blogspot.com/

http://sober-bia.blogspot.com/

http://time-warp-wife.blogspot.com/

http://stephaniemartinglennon.com/

http://happyandsober.wordpress.com/

http://thirteenpointoneandone.wordpress.com/

http://bornbyariver.wordpress.com/

http://abeastwithin.wordpress.com/

http://www.onecraftymother.com/

http://www.soberjulie.com/

http://www.thebettermom.com/

http://byebyebeer.wordpress.com/

Going Through Life Naked

Posted by lifecorked in Sobriety and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Speaking Out

I figured that title would get your attention!

The idea of living life naked, being honest, transparent and real, has been on my mind a lot lately. And, then today, a neighbor dropped off a magazine with an article written by Glennon Doyle Melton, author of the blog Momastary and the new book, Carry On, Warrior. I’m sure many of you are familiar with Glennon’s blog and her story of being a recovering alcohol, drug and food addict. She’s an amazing woman with an equally amazing story.

In the article, she talks about starting her blog and writing honestly about her experiences, holding little back. Not long after, her dad called her and expressed some concern with all she was sharing and asked perhaps if some things were better “taken to the grave.” After thinking about it, she responded, “No, I don’t. I don’t want to take anything to the grave. I want to die used up and emptied out.”

When I read her response, it’s as if she put all the thoughts and feelings I have been having and put them into the most perfect words. After spending so many years living with a smile on my face while I was crying inside, I no longer want or feel the need to pretend; to portray myself as something I’m not. For me, getting sober has allowed me the freedom to take the armor off and expose myself for who I am – inside and out.

I realize that everyone deals with life differently. For those of us in recovery, some choose to share their experience while others don’t. And, that’s okay. But, for me there is no other way than to be completely open with who I am. I’m sure some of my friends and family wish I would just shut up and get on with my life, but that’s not me – my story doesn’t end here.

I share my story, my struggle, my day-to-day life because I need to. I do it because writing and sharing my story is one of the many ways I stay sober. And, maybe, just maybe, my story will help someone else – someone who is trudging through life just like me. Our stories are what connect us to each other, what gives us strength when we feel weak and alone.

The truth is, we never know what’s going on behind closed doors. We never know what’s really hiding behind someone’s smile. What would happen if we all started being a little less image-conscious and just started being honest? I imagine we might find we have a lot more in common with each other than we think we do.

I remember how surprised some people were when they found out I was an alcoholic. Well, of course they were. I did a damn good job of hiding it, of portraying the image that I was okay, that I had it all together. But, in reality, I didn’t. I was miserable and empty, yearning for something to fill the hole I felt inside.

I don’t live like that anymore. Today, I choose truth and transparency. I choose to live my life naked, exposing myself to vulnerability and disappointment. But, in the process, I also expose myself to the joy of truly connecting to others, which is a wonderful and marvelous experience.

TheBetterMom.com

Sometimes I Forget

Posted by lifecorked in Sobriety and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , ,

Respect Yourself

Sometimes I forget about things that happened when I was drinking. I’m not talking about blackouts; I’m talking about memories I choose to forget. Once in a while, I will hear something or see something that takes me back to that time – that crazy time that I eventually walked away from.

I was recently listening to The Bubble Hour, a radio podcast about real stories and recovery. The topic was the signs and symptoms of alcoholism and as I listened I was catapulted back to that place in my mind; a place I try to avoid but need to remember for my own sobriety.

As with many, my alcoholism progressed quickly. Of course, I denied my alcoholic tendencies until the day I finally admitted I needed help. Even then, I’m not sure if I REALLY believed I was alcoholic.  But, looking back, all the signs and symptoms were there. These are just some of them (see the Mayo Clinic for a full description):

  • Be unable to limit the amount of alcohol you drink – I could never “just have one.”
  • Feel a strong need or compulsion to drink – Even on days I said I wouldn’t drink, I would find myself holding a glass of wine by that afternoon because I truly felt like I needed it to relax and unwind.
  • Develop tolerance to alcohol so that you need more to feel its effects – Over time I “needed” more and more to achieve that “perfect buzz.” Towards the end of my drinking, the alcohol stopped working and there were many times I couldn’t get buzzed no matter how much I drank.
  • Drink alone or hide your drinking – I loved to party with friends, but most of my drinking took place alone. I would start drinking before my husband got home from work and then continue while I cooked dinner. I would fill my glass when he wasn’t looking or hide wine bottles in the back of the fridge, hoping he wouldn’t discover how much I was drinking. And, I always drank at home before going to social events.
  • Experience physical withdrawal symptoms — such as nausea, sweating and shaking — when you don’t drink – Besides the compulsion to drink daily, I would often experience physical symptoms especially after a long night of partying. I specifically remember one time towards the end of my drinking where I got out of bed one morning and began to have almost seizure-like symptoms. I was standing by my dresser, when I started shaking violently and fell to the floor hitting the dresser as I fell. I was scared, but unwilling to accept the truth.
  • Not remember conversations or commitments, sometimes referred to as a “black out” – This was very common for me, especially after a night of binge drinking.
  • Make a ritual of having drinks at certain times and become annoyed when this ritual is disturbed or questioned – Most days I started drinking between 3:00 and 4:00 in the afternoon. If I was unable to drink, I would get irritated. I remember helping with my daughter’s preschool party one afternoon and all I could think about was getting home and having a glass of wine. My husband questioned my drinking more than once, but I would brush him off and get angry.
  • Gulp drinks, order doubles or become drunk intentionally to feel good, or drink to feel “normal” - Many alcoholics will say they didn’t have a “stop” button. This was true for me. I drank to feel good. I never understood the point of wine tasting; I didn’t want to taste it, I wanted to drink it or better yet gulp it. My main goal in drinking was reaching that perfect feel good place.
  • Lose interest in activities and hobbies that used to bring you pleasure – Eventually, I didn’t want to go anywhere or do anything that didn’t involve drinking. I didn’t read or write anymore – how could I when I was smashed every night and unable to focus? If I did try to read a book, I never remembered it the next day.  I didn’t enjoy cooking anymore because by the time dinner came around I was already three drinks in and only cared about putting together something easy for my family. I didn’t want to participate in non-alcohol related activities, because, really, what was the point?

Towards the end of my drinking, I started having chronic stomach problems. Of course, I was never honest with my doctor when she asked how much I drank. And, even when she ordered an ultrasound on my stomach, I never admitted that it could possibly be linked to my daily drinking. Around that time, I decided it must be the wine that was causing my stomach problems, so I switched to beer. Of course, I didn’t think once that maybe, just maybe if I stopped drinking altogether my stomach problems would go away. No, because this is the thinking pattern of an alcoholic.

As difficult as it is, it’s important that I remember what my life used to be. I don’t dwell on it, but I keep the memories tucked away; always ready and available when I start doubting whether or not I was REALLY that bad. Because, at some point, the doubting and questioning will enter our minds.

I must always remember the life I walked away from in order to truly appreciate the life I now live.

Finding My Voice

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Finding Voice

I’ve been feeling stuck. I’ve lost my voice; my focus with this blog. Or, maybe this is what blogging is all about; evolving and changing as we do in life. I want to have a clear focus. I want my writing to represent me; my life; my experience; my strength; my hope.

I find myself wondering if people really care about what I’m making for dinner or the latest craft project I’m working on. Originally, when I started this blog I wanted it to reflect my life sober. I wanted to show people there’s a whole new world waiting for them in sobriety. For me, that includes cooking, crafting, sewing – and, of course, writing.

Yet, I’ve discovered over the past few months that blogging about the cooking, sewing or craft projects takes the enjoyment out of it for me. It feels like more of a chore than anything. I’ve realized I don’t want to sit and edit pictures and write tutorials on how to make things. All I really want to do is write. For me, writing is everything. It’s how I express myself, process feelings and connect with others. There’s wonderful lifestyle blogs out there with amazing ideas on how to make a custom wreath or plan a fancy brunch, but that’s not me.

My heart tells me to use this blog to write; to share my story from the most authentic and honest place I can find within me. Many of us struggling with alcoholism, make our first connections to sobriety online. For many, it’s a safe place to find information, read stories and reach out to others who are just like us. For the first time, we see ourselves in the stories of others and for one small moment we don’t feel alone.

So, from now on this is my direction. I see it clearly and I’m excited to have a focus. Of course, if I happen to come across some spectacular recipe I’ll be sure to share it!