Tag Archives: sober resources

Paying It Forward

Posted by lifecorked in Sobriety and tagged with , , , , , , , ,

2013-shine_on-from-eye-dancer

Okay, so this is pretty cool. The other day I received an e-mail informing me that Recovering By Grace had nominated me for the “Shine On” Award. Honestly, I was surprised and genuinely humbled that someone else out there (besides my husband) thought something of my writing and blog. I’m feeling very grateful as this is my FIRST award since starting this blog!

In receiving this award, it’s only right that I pay it forward by following the rules as detailed by Recovering By Grace:

“This award is for the blogs that shine, make you feel good and are inspiring to the reader.”

  • Link back to the blogger who nominated you (above)
  • Share some facts about yourself or answer questions given to you.  (below)
  • Nominate fifteen bloggers who shine a little light in your day and be sure to notify them. (below facts)

So, some facts about myself. Hmmm…this could get interesting – or really boring. Okay, here goes:

1. Like Recovering By Grace, many people want to know more about my name. Chenoa means “peace” and the symbol of the white dove. The origin of my name is Native American, however, as far as I know I have little or no Native American in me. The best fun fact about my name is that my parents got it out of the New Age Baby Name Book – yes, they were hippies! I hated my name growing up ( I really wanted to be a Cindy or something normal) but have grown to like it over the years. Oh, and apparently there’s a town called Chenoa in Illinois.

2. As mentioned above, both of my parents were hippies and I was raised in a tiny town in Northern California up a long dirt road on 13 acres of Redwood trees. And, no, I didn’t have to walk to school up hill in snow, but it did rain a lot and sometimes the road flooded!

3. During the summer of my 5th and 6th grade year, I attended a performing arts camp called Camp Winnarainbow created and run by the famous Wavy Gravy and his wife. We slept in tepees and were woken up each morning by a conch shell and a recording of Jimi Hendrix playing the National Anthem. No joke.

4. I was never baptized, but will be baptized in the Catholic Church next Easter. I consider this a very personal and intimate decision and am grateful to my parents for allowing me this choice in life by choosing not to baptize me as a baby.

5. While I was raised by very liberal parents, I now consider myself to be a conservative Christian. Perhaps, some would say I’m rebelling against my upbringing or because I married a conservative Catholic, but in all honesty, my political and religious views have changed and evolved over the years due to my lived experiences. I don’t feel like one or two words necessarily define me as a person and, in turn, I don’t let it define others. I have very liberal and very conservative friends and family and I love them all.

Okay, so now onto the nominations! This was hard because many of the blogs that have already been nominated are blogs that also inspire me. However, I looked over the blogs I follow and came up with what I believe is a pretty deserving list! Some are recovery related, some are not. But, they all inspire me to be a better person. I hope you will check them out because I think they’re pretty awesome! Here they are in no particular order:

http://mysterygirlunknown.wordpress.com/

http://soberistas.wordpress.com/

http://dorothyrecovers.com/

http://livingwithoutalcohol.blogspot.com/

http://sober-bia.blogspot.com/

http://time-warp-wife.blogspot.com/

http://stephaniemartinglennon.com/

http://happyandsober.wordpress.com/

http://thirteenpointoneandone.wordpress.com/

http://bornbyariver.wordpress.com/

http://abeastwithin.wordpress.com/

http://www.onecraftymother.com/

http://www.soberjulie.com/

http://www.thebettermom.com/

http://byebyebeer.wordpress.com/

Going Through Life Naked

Posted by lifecorked in Sobriety and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Speaking Out

I figured that title would get your attention!

The idea of living life naked, being honest, transparent and real, has been on my mind a lot lately. And, then today, a neighbor dropped off a magazine with an article written by Glennon Doyle Melton, author of the blog Momastary and the new book, Carry On, Warrior. I’m sure many of you are familiar with Glennon’s blog and her story of being a recovering alcohol, drug and food addict. She’s an amazing woman with an equally amazing story.

In the article, she talks about starting her blog and writing honestly about her experiences, holding little back. Not long after, her dad called her and expressed some concern with all she was sharing and asked perhaps if some things were better “taken to the grave.” After thinking about it, she responded, “No, I don’t. I don’t want to take anything to the grave. I want to die used up and emptied out.”

When I read her response, it’s as if she put all the thoughts and feelings I have been having and put them into the most perfect words. After spending so many years living with a smile on my face while I was crying inside, I no longer want or feel the need to pretend; to portray myself as something I’m not. For me, getting sober has allowed me the freedom to take the armor off and expose myself for who I am – inside and out.

I realize that everyone deals with life differently. For those of us in recovery, some choose to share their experience while others don’t. And, that’s okay. But, for me there is no other way than to be completely open with who I am. I’m sure some of my friends and family wish I would just shut up and get on with my life, but that’s not me – my story doesn’t end here.

I share my story, my struggle, my day-to-day life because I need to. I do it because writing and sharing my story is one of the many ways I stay sober. And, maybe, just maybe, my story will help someone else – someone who is trudging through life just like me. Our stories are what connect us to each other, what gives us strength when we feel weak and alone.

The truth is, we never know what’s going on behind closed doors. We never know what’s really hiding behind someone’s smile. What would happen if we all started being a little less image-conscious and just started being honest? I imagine we might find we have a lot more in common with each other than we think we do.

I remember how surprised some people were when they found out I was an alcoholic. Well, of course they were. I did a damn good job of hiding it, of portraying the image that I was okay, that I had it all together. But, in reality, I didn’t. I was miserable and empty, yearning for something to fill the hole I felt inside.

I don’t live like that anymore. Today, I choose truth and transparency. I choose to live my life naked, exposing myself to vulnerability and disappointment. But, in the process, I also expose myself to the joy of truly connecting to others, which is a wonderful and marvelous experience.

TheBetterMom.com

“Smashed”

Posted by lifecorked in Sobriety and tagged with , , , , , , ,

Smashed_(film)

Last night, my husband and I watched the new film “Smashed.” I’ve had it on my Netflix list for months, waiting for its release. There’s not a lot of movies out there about drinking and getting sober (plenty about drinking), so when I first read about this film I was anxious to watch it.

In short, it’s about a young married couple who like to drink – a lot. The wife is young, educated and seemingly “normal,” yet she has a BIG drinking problem. The film follows her as she plunges to her bottom and begins her journey getting sober.

Wow. At times, I could have inserted myself into the film and it could have been my life and story. I found myself feeling anxious as she grabbed for the bottle, knowing what the outcome would be. I laughed at her drunken stupor, knowing and embarrassed that at one point that had been me. I felt her shame and guilt as she admitted to her wrong doings. And, I empathized with her fear and anxiety as she sat in her first recovery meeting.

At one point in the film (perhaps in her first meeting), she says she knew she had a problem when what used to be fun started being scary. Oh, how I related to that statement. But, isn’t that what happens to so many of us? What used to be a fun evening out, becomes a predictable drinking binge. What used to be a couple of drinks with girlfriends, becomes a night of bar hopping and passing out. What used to be a family celebration, becomes an excuse to get hammered. What used to be “just one” becomes many and a guaranteed hangover. The list goes on. Eventually, the alcohol stops working and it stops being fun – for everyone.

There’s a happy ending – kind of. Because, really, there’s never a happy ending, just a new beginning.

I’m grateful for films like “Smashed” that give a realistic portrayal of alcoholism and sobriety. Watch it – you might learn something, or at least relate to it.

 

Sometimes I Forget

Posted by lifecorked in Sobriety and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , ,

Respect Yourself

Sometimes I forget about things that happened when I was drinking. I’m not talking about blackouts; I’m talking about memories I choose to forget. Once in a while, I will hear something or see something that takes me back to that time – that crazy time that I eventually walked away from.

I was recently listening to The Bubble Hour, a radio podcast about real stories and recovery. The topic was the signs and symptoms of alcoholism and as I listened I was catapulted back to that place in my mind; a place I try to avoid but need to remember for my own sobriety.

As with many, my alcoholism progressed quickly. Of course, I denied my alcoholic tendencies until the day I finally admitted I needed help. Even then, I’m not sure if I REALLY believed I was alcoholic.  But, looking back, all the signs and symptoms were there. These are just some of them (see the Mayo Clinic for a full description):

  • Be unable to limit the amount of alcohol you drink – I could never “just have one.”
  • Feel a strong need or compulsion to drink – Even on days I said I wouldn’t drink, I would find myself holding a glass of wine by that afternoon because I truly felt like I needed it to relax and unwind.
  • Develop tolerance to alcohol so that you need more to feel its effects – Over time I “needed” more and more to achieve that “perfect buzz.” Towards the end of my drinking, the alcohol stopped working and there were many times I couldn’t get buzzed no matter how much I drank.
  • Drink alone or hide your drinking – I loved to party with friends, but most of my drinking took place alone. I would start drinking before my husband got home from work and then continue while I cooked dinner. I would fill my glass when he wasn’t looking or hide wine bottles in the back of the fridge, hoping he wouldn’t discover how much I was drinking. And, I always drank at home before going to social events.
  • Experience physical withdrawal symptoms — such as nausea, sweating and shaking — when you don’t drink – Besides the compulsion to drink daily, I would often experience physical symptoms especially after a long night of partying. I specifically remember one time towards the end of my drinking where I got out of bed one morning and began to have almost seizure-like symptoms. I was standing by my dresser, when I started shaking violently and fell to the floor hitting the dresser as I fell. I was scared, but unwilling to accept the truth.
  • Not remember conversations or commitments, sometimes referred to as a “black out” – This was very common for me, especially after a night of binge drinking.
  • Make a ritual of having drinks at certain times and become annoyed when this ritual is disturbed or questioned – Most days I started drinking between 3:00 and 4:00 in the afternoon. If I was unable to drink, I would get irritated. I remember helping with my daughter’s preschool party one afternoon and all I could think about was getting home and having a glass of wine. My husband questioned my drinking more than once, but I would brush him off and get angry.
  • Gulp drinks, order doubles or become drunk intentionally to feel good, or drink to feel “normal” - Many alcoholics will say they didn’t have a “stop” button. This was true for me. I drank to feel good. I never understood the point of wine tasting; I didn’t want to taste it, I wanted to drink it or better yet gulp it. My main goal in drinking was reaching that perfect feel good place.
  • Lose interest in activities and hobbies that used to bring you pleasure – Eventually, I didn’t want to go anywhere or do anything that didn’t involve drinking. I didn’t read or write anymore – how could I when I was smashed every night and unable to focus? If I did try to read a book, I never remembered it the next day.  I didn’t enjoy cooking anymore because by the time dinner came around I was already three drinks in and only cared about putting together something easy for my family. I didn’t want to participate in non-alcohol related activities, because, really, what was the point?

Towards the end of my drinking, I started having chronic stomach problems. Of course, I was never honest with my doctor when she asked how much I drank. And, even when she ordered an ultrasound on my stomach, I never admitted that it could possibly be linked to my daily drinking. Around that time, I decided it must be the wine that was causing my stomach problems, so I switched to beer. Of course, I didn’t think once that maybe, just maybe if I stopped drinking altogether my stomach problems would go away. No, because this is the thinking pattern of an alcoholic.

As difficult as it is, it’s important that I remember what my life used to be. I don’t dwell on it, but I keep the memories tucked away; always ready and available when I start doubting whether or not I was REALLY that bad. Because, at some point, the doubting and questioning will enter our minds.

I must always remember the life I walked away from in order to truly appreciate the life I now live.

Finding My Voice

Posted by lifecorked in Sobriety and tagged with , , , , , , , , ,

Finding Voice

I’ve been feeling stuck. I’ve lost my voice; my focus with this blog. Or, maybe this is what blogging is all about; evolving and changing as we do in life. I want to have a clear focus. I want my writing to represent me; my life; my experience; my strength; my hope.

I find myself wondering if people really care about what I’m making for dinner or the latest craft project I’m working on. Originally, when I started this blog I wanted it to reflect my life sober. I wanted to show people there’s a whole new world waiting for them in sobriety. For me, that includes cooking, crafting, sewing – and, of course, writing.

Yet, I’ve discovered over the past few months that blogging about the cooking, sewing or craft projects takes the enjoyment out of it for me. It feels like more of a chore than anything. I’ve realized I don’t want to sit and edit pictures and write tutorials on how to make things. All I really want to do is write. For me, writing is everything. It’s how I express myself, process feelings and connect with others. There’s wonderful lifestyle blogs out there with amazing ideas on how to make a custom wreath or plan a fancy brunch, but that’s not me.

My heart tells me to use this blog to write; to share my story from the most authentic and honest place I can find within me. Many of us struggling with alcoholism, make our first connections to sobriety online. For many, it’s a safe place to find information, read stories and reach out to others who are just like us. For the first time, we see ourselves in the stories of others and for one small moment we don’t feel alone.

So, from now on this is my direction. I see it clearly and I’m excited to have a focus. Of course, if I happen to come across some spectacular recipe I’ll be sure to share it!

 

 

One Year Later

Posted by lifecorked in Faith, Sobriety and tagged with , , , , , , , , , ,

IMG_1108

This is me. No makeup, no fillers, no lifts, no airbrush – nothing. This is how God made me. Clean and sober. Clean from the lies, manipulation and judgment. Sober from the alcohol that almost ruined my life. I never thought the day would come when I would say this, but I am truly a grateful alcoholic.

A year ago today, my husband asked me if I was ready to stop drinking for good. I knew it was coming, but to hear the words hit me in the pit of my stomach. Was I ready? No. Deep down I didn’t want to despite the devastating harm I had caused myself and my family. I could not imagine my life without alcohol. However, I knew I had to give it a try. If not for myself, I had to do it for my husband and my children. That was the first day of the rest of my life.

On Super Bowl Sunday, I attended my first recovery meeting. Before, we had gone to a friend’s house for a small get together and oh how I wanted to drink. Come on! This was the Super Bowl! Who cared about football, it was a legitimate excuse to get smashed! I didn’t drink and I was miserable. I left my husband and children there and drove to my first recovery meeting alone. It was possibly the scariest thing I have ever done in my life.

It was a women’s only meeting, but it didn’t matter. Walking through the door, I was terrified I would know someone, or even worse that someone would know me. What would I do? What would I say? Of course, it didn’t occur to me that they would be thinking the exact same thing. No, it was all about me. We, alcoholics, are good at making everything about us.

I introduced myself as an alcoholic, not truly believing that I was. It was the last place on earth I ever imagined myself. How could this be happening? How did I end up here? What now? God, I was scared. I was so scared. It was like a dream I couldn’t wake up from. If only they could see the truth. I was smart, educated, well-liked. Sure, I liked to have a good time, but I was NOT an alcoholic. And, yet, by the end of the meeting I found myself with a sponsor and attended a meeting every day for the next 30 days.

I would like to say that I got it immediately. I would like to say that I’m celebrating a year of sobriety this weekend, but I’m not. I was angry and I kept holding onto the fantasy of being “normal” again. I held onto it so tightly that it led me straight back to that first drink. Believe me, no one grows up hoping that one day they will be declaring themselves an alcoholic. It was the LAST thing I ever thought I would be.

I finally got it. I finally stopped fighting and surrendered to this path that God put me on. I cringed when I would hear people say that they were grateful alcoholics, but now I get it. I get it because I have experienced the promises of leading a sober life. I have experienced the joy and peace of living a life that is authentic and honest. I accept who I am; all of me. Because, I am exactly the way God intended for me to be. The good, the bad and the ugly.

Tomorrow, on Super Bowl Sunday, I will be extremely grateful to be surrounded by my sober friends at a sober party – yes, they do exist.

Be safe.

 

 

Taking Inventory

Posted by lifecorked in Faith, Sobriety and tagged with , , , , , , ,

No pictures, no quotes, no DIY, no recipes. Today, was one of those days I needed to write. I started this blog so I could have an outlet to share my experience; my story; my sober life. It’s my therapy; my free form of therapy if you will (I’ve had plenty of the kind you pay for too). Sometimes I just need to vent. You may or may not relate to everything I talk about, but my hope is we will all relate on the human level. The level of just living life.

The last few days I’ve been feeling icky. Not icky in the sense of being sick, but icky in the sense of feeling anxious, agitated and stressed. I’m quick to snap and the smallest thing can push me over the edge. Usually, I notice my OCD acting up and I immediately know something is “off.” For a recovering alcoholic this is not a good place to be because it lowers our defenses against that first drink. And, for us, there’s never “just one drink.” It’s a scary place to be, which is why when I start feeling this way I know it’s time to take inventory.

It’s kind of like when you lose your keys and you have to stop everything you’re doing and go back in your mind to where you last saw them. In a similar way, I have to stop and go back to what happened to make me feel this way. Once I started thinking about it, I realized it started on Monday. For some reason the kids were at each other all day on Monday. I felt like I was constantly playing referee. Monday night my husband had to work late, which meant I couldn’t make my favorite recovery meeting and he wouldn’t be home to put the kids down – something he does every night. On Tuesday morning, he had to leave before the kids got up, which meant the kids didn’t see him that morning either. By this time, our routine was completely off. For better or worse, we are very routine oriented people and anything that deviates from that routine tends to put us all on edge, especially me. So, there you go, I figured it out.

Now, what could I have done differently to change my reaction to the situation? I could’ve prepared better by talking to the kids about the fact that it was a busy time for Daddy and he would be gone more than normal; I could’ve asked my in-laws to watch the kids while I went to my meeting (because I really needed one); I could’ve called my sponsor when I first started feeling stressed (because that’s what you do); I could’ve read out of my recovery books; I could’ve said some extra prayers or opened my Bible. I could’ve and should’ve. The important point I’m trying to make is that, through recovery, I have learned how to STOP and take inventory. How am I feeling and how did I get here?

I tend to think it’s a great tool for everyone, regardless if you’re in a recovery program or not. How many times have we kept tumbling out of control, never stopping to ask ourselves “what is going on?” Taking inventory of your feelings doesn’t mean blaming someone else for the way you feel, it simply means reviewing how you got to where you are and, hopefully, learning ways to prevent it from happening next time.

Yes, I am a planner and I like routine, but as I always remind myself – life is not perfect. Things come up. Heck, life comes up! As long as I am prepared with the tools I need to approach the unexpected and spiritually fit, I can tackle what life throws my way. I truly believe God will not give me anything I can’t handle, including two strong-willed kids!

Thanks for letting me vent!

 

A Safe Place

Posted by lifecorked in Faith, Sobriety and tagged with , , , , , , , ,

I have set before thee an open door, and no man can shut it…

- Revelation 3:8

I follow a lot of blogs, both sober blogs and lifestyle blogs. When I first got sober, I scoured the web for sober blogs – something that would speak to me, that I could relate to. It was a very lonely time for me and I needed to know there were other women who were going through the same thing I was, and more importantly, other women who had survived it. One of those blogs was Crying Out Now. The author, Ellie, is a recovering alcoholic and created the blog so women could have a safe place to talk about addiction and recovery, “telling our truths, and breaking down the walls of stigma and denial surrounding addiction – One Story at a Time.”

Crying Out Now was a huge source of comfort for me when I first got sober and continues to be a source of support and inspiration, mainly from the amazing stories I read about other women who are going through the same challenges and joys of recovery. In addition to her blog, Ellie has recently started a podcast series called The Bubble Hour, which she hosts along with her co-founder, Lisa, where they share stories about addiction and recovery through readings and interviews.

Today, Ellie announced on her blog that she has created an umbrella organization, Shining Strong, to bring together both Crying Out Now and The Bubble Hour. In an effort to inform people, she created a video which is both informational and inspirational. Please go to Shining Strong and watch it – you’ll be amazed.

Seeking help for alcoholism and other addictions is scary. I knew I was an alcoholic long before I admitted it or sought help for it. However, when I finally did it was blogs like Crying Out Now that inspired me to get the help I needed. If you or someone you know is struggling right now, go to these sites, watch the video and know that you are not alone – you are NEVER alone.