Tag Archives: sobriety

Anonymous…Or Not?

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First, thanks to Ellie over at One Crafty Mother for highlighting this issue.

Wow. I had chills as I watched the trailer for the new documentary The Anonymous People, which focuses on the culture of recovery and ”the faces and voices of citizens, leaders, volunteers, corporate executives, public figures, and celebrities who are laying it all on the line to save the lives of others just like them.”

This got me thinking about how we all choose to use our voice in our individual lives – and how voice can be one of the most powerful weapons out there.

Using my voice to shine light on addiction and alcoholism is something I’m very passionate about – ask anyone! In my opinion, the recovery community has stayed silent for much too long. When I first got sober I was scared to death about the social stigma involved in admitting I was an alcoholic. In my mind, I might as well have been telling people I was a complete loser and failure. I worried about what my friends, family, neighbors – really anyone- would think about me. I remember Googling famous sober people because I had a desperate need to know that I wasn’t the only “normal” person out there that was sober (not that famous people are really that normal!). Fortunately, I found a few, but in my mind, not enough. There HAD to be more people out there like me.

Sorry to say folks, but the image of the drunk under the bridge holding a paper bag is long gone. Of course, they still exist, but the reality is that there’s more people who look like you and me in recovery these days. We work, are educated, have successful careers, drive nice cars, wear nice clothes, live in nice homes – yet, we all have one thing in common, we’re all working to stay sober.

I respect the tradition of anonymity, but believe it is solely my choice whether I choose to stay anonymous or not. For me, personally, I NEED and WANT to use my voice to stop the stigma associated with alcoholism and addition. Recovery has taught me that I’m NOT a loser or failure, but a strong, brave and determined woman who will not be silenced about this disease.

So, for those of you new to recovery, who might be feeling ashamed of your addiction and alcoholism, I am here to tell you that you are not alone! There are rooms full of people around this country who are just like you – strong, brave and determined to create a better life for themselves.

God gave me this voice and I plan to use it to share His message of hope, healing and forgiveness. Despite my initial fear and anger, I now accept the path that God has lead me on and will do everything in my power to convey my gratitude to Him for the gift of sobriety.

As long as I have a voice, I will speak my truth and yell from any mountain top “I will not be silent, I will not be silent, I will NOT be silent!”

I Didn’t Plan This

Posted by lifecorked in Faith, Sobriety and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Whatever Is My Lot

Last night, as I was walking around our neighborhood, I met a couple and their daughter who recently moved here from New Mexico. I had been wanting to meet them, and was excited about our chance encounter. When I first spotted them from a distance, I noticed they were pushing a wheelchair. For a moment, I thought perhaps it was an elderly parent, but as I got closer I realized it was a young child. In talking with them, I learned their daughter was twelve, but has the mental capacity of a two year old. The mom joked that she had been raising a toddler for ten years and I was relieved by her light heartedness.

As we stood in the middle of the street, talking and getting to know each other, another couple passing by joined us in our conversation. I had met them before and knew that they too had a daughter with special needs who was wheelchair-bound. Standing there, I found myself thinking “What a group.” From the outside, we look like any “typical” group of 30 and 40-something neighbors. Two doctors, a stay-at-home dad, a stay-at-home mom/marathon runner and a stay-at-home mom “with the pretty front yard.” Yet, there we stood, two families with special needs children and one alcoholic stay-at-home mom. Eventually, we said our goodbyes and I continued on my walk around the neighborhood.

Today, as I was reflecting on our neighborhood gathering, I found myself thinking how our lives rarely turn out how we imagine or expect them to be. Oh, believe me, I had the perfect plan for how my life would turn out. I would go to college, get my master’s degree, get married, have two children by the time I was 30 (preferably boy and girl) and live happily ever after. What I forgot to plan for was all the stuff in between and the unexpected.

I never planned for my parents to get divorced or to suffer from anxiety and OCD. I never planned for my mom to die at such an early age; I never planned to almost lose my marriage and family; and I definitely never planned to be an alcoholic stay-at-home mom. I’m not alone. We all live with the unexpected. On the six month anniversary of the Newtown shootings, I think of the families who never expected in a million years that they would lose a loved one to such a tragic event; or the two local families who recently lost their 18 and 19 year old children to car accidents; or the families I spoke to last night who never expected to have special needs children.

The thing that gives me hope and leaves me in awe is despite the unexpected, we continue to live. Despite the pain and suffering, we still wake up each morning and face the day. Instead of asking “Why me?” we ask “Why not me?”

I used to be really pissed at God for how my life turned out. I’ve always been a planner and this was NOT my plan. Eventually, I stopped being angry and started living – what other choice did I have? I truly believe that God doesn’t give us more than we can handle – maybe we think He does, but He doesn’t. He knows us better than we could ever know ourselves and that gives me peace. We realize this when we think we have lost all strength to go on, yet somehow, someway find the strength to continue.

As I looked around at my neighbors last night, I saw that strength firsthand. Strength in living and doing the unexpected.

 

 

Food For Thought

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Food

Over the past couple weeks, there’s been a lot of talk about food addictions, particularly sugar, in the sober blogging community. It seems like most of us in recovery continue to struggle with our addictions in some form or another despite giving up our “main” addiction.

When I first got sober, I craved sugar. Not like “Oh, I kind of feel like something sweet,” but like “I NEED something sweet NOW!” Chocolate cake was my friend along with ice cream, candy – really, whatever I could get my hands on. It was the first time I had ever experienced food as a form of addiction. In fact, before getting sober I didn’t even really like sweets. Little did I realize at the time, that I was getting my “fix” and then some through all the wine I was drinking!

My “sweet tooth” has subsided since first getting sober, but I know it’s something many of us continue to struggle with. Before getting sober, I never looked at food addiction as a REAL addiction. Basically, I just thought fat people were fat because they liked food too much and couldn’t control themselves. I mean, come on, how hard is it to just shut the refrigerator door or not eat that extra helping of ice cream?

Of course, that would be the same thing as someone asking me, “Why can’t you just have one drink?” or “Do you really have to finish that WHOLE bottle of wine?” I was ignorant and judgmental.

As Heather from At The Picket Fence says, “addiction is addiction.”

Heather, along with her sister Vanessa (who is a dear friend of mine), co-authors a wonderful lifestyle blog called At The Picket Fence. While their posts usually center on DIY projects, parties and decorating, Heather recently posted her very personal and honest story about food addiction and what she’s doing about it.

As I read Heather’s story, I was struck by the similarities between her addiction to food and mine to alcohol. She says, “I eat when I’m happy; I eat when I’m sad. I eat when I’m stressed. I eat to celebrate, I eat to mourn…and occasionally I eat for sustenance.” Just replace “eat” with “drink” and you would have my story. It’s that simple. Addition is addiction.

I continue to be amazed and grateful to people like Heather who open their hearts and souls in an effort to help others. Her honesty is refreshing and much needed in a culture of addiction that is often based on secrecy and deceit.

Thank you, Heather. For more of Heather’s story you can go here.

Insanity

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Insanity

Yesterday, I was reminded of the alcoholic insanity that is always lurking in the back of my mind.

When I first got sober, I remember my sponsor telling me that you are never safe from that first drink. At the time, I didn’t think much of it, in fact, I probably half-listened as I did to many of the things she told me. I didn’t “get” it yet and all I cared about was rebuilding my life, which meant not drinking anymore. I first got sober in February 2012 and relapsed the following July – last summer. It took my relapse for me to truly understand I was powerless over alcohol and I was never safe from that first drink.

Fast forward to yesterday. I’ve been sober for nine months and have been fortunate to have had very few cravings for alcohol. Yet, while I was driving my kids to gymnastics late yesterday afternoon, I had an overwhelming craving for a drink. It hit me like a ton of bricks. The sun was out, the weather was warm and I wanted (or needed) that drink. Remember, I relapsed last July, so obviously these summer-like days are a trigger for me. There was no reason for my craving. I was in a great mood, but somewhere my mind was telling me I would even be better with a drink. Crazy? Yes. This is the INSANITY of alcoholism.

My body was literally craving that drink. I could almost taste that chilled glass of wine. But, why? After EVERYTHING I’ve been through and put my family through, how could I even consider a drink?

Unless you’ve been there, it’s impossible to understand the insanity of addiction. It takes over your body and mind, until it’s the ONLY thing you can think about. It’s awful, it’s horrible – it’s my alcoholic mind.

When I got home, I was irritable and angry. I told my husband I was just hungry and tired. It wasn’t until we sat down for dinner that I told him the truth. I had been craving a drink. While he knows that this is a reality of my disease, I still see the pain my honesty causes him. For those who love us, one of their worse fears is that we will take that first drink.

Tonight, I was tired. I didn’t feel like going to a meeting, but I knew I needed one. And, my husband knew I needed one. I went to one of my favorite women’s meetings and I left feeling renewed and grateful for the honesty that takes place in those rooms.

I know that I will never be safe from that first drink, which is why I have to continue to do the work and stay honest with myself and others. For me, it’s that simple.

Dirty Girl

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Dirty Girl Mud Run. Check.

Last Saturday, I participated in and finished my first mud run. It was awesome, amazing, dirty – and I loved every minute of it! I was on a team with four other women, appropriately named Mudlife Crisis!

This picture is so representative of the past year for me. A number of phrases and metaphors come to mind when I look at it: “one step at a time,” “no pain, no gain,” “do the impossible,” “every rose has it’s thorn,” “look toward the future,” “reach for the stars,” “one day at a time” just to name a few. But, really, that smile says it all – a sense of accomplishment.

I haven’t always been good at following through with things. I’m a big idea person. I’ve accomplished some great things in my life, but I’ve had even greater ideas. And, when I was drinking I had REALLY good ideas and intentions. At one point, I was going to start a business, sell jewelry, sell makeup, sew all my own clothes (seriously), raise chickens, get my real estate license, get certified to be a fitness trainer, start blogs, stop blogs and the list goes on. I would plan parties and cancel them; I would schedule lunches and dinners and back out at the last minute; I would commit myself to something and then find a reason I couldn’t do it. And, I did all of these things with no regard to how it affected others. Me, me, me – that’s all I thought about.

I’m far from a saint these days, but I do my very best to follow through with what I say I’m going to do. You would think it’s pretty simple, but for someone like me it takes discipline. And, it also requires learning to say “No.” Learning to be responsible and take control of my life has been consequential to my recovery. I can’t do it all and I can’t always make everyone happy, but I can show up and do my best.

This past weekend, I showed up and got really dirty in the process – and it was great!

Tired, But Grateful

Posted by lifecorked in Faith, Family, Sobriety and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Grateful

What a week it has been! At times, I felt like a fish out of water, gasping for air. I kept telling myself, “Just make it ’till Friday and then you can relax!” Well, Friday is here and I’m tired, but feeling extremely grateful. And, since it’s the last day of the month (and I have at least 31 things to be grateful for today), here’s my gratitude list for the day in no particular order:

1. My sobriety. I celebrated 9 months on Tuesday. No words can describe how grateful I am for this blessed sober life.

2. My son who ”graduated” from preschool. He is kind, sweet, affectionate and his smile always melts my heart.

3. My daughter who graduated from kindergarten. She is strong, caring, independent and described as “hard-working” by her teacher. She inspires me to be a better person.

4. Teachers. God bless them. My children have been extremely blessed to have amazing teachers who teach them, guide them and inspire them to be their very best. It is a God-given gift to teach preschool and kindergarten because after spending two hours in a class of 20, I’m ready to pull my hair out!

5. Friends and family. Those who encourage, support and help guide me on this journey.

6. My husband’s work. That he is able to have a career that keeps him busy, that he enjoys and that allows for me to stay home and be available to our children. For this, I’m extremely grateful.

7. Dishwasher. You don’t realize how much you depend on this time-saving appliance until it breaks. And, to those repair people who can come to your home, take it apart and get it working again. Greg (appliance man), yesterday you were my hero!

8. Sun. After MANY days of rain, I’m ready for some vitamin d!

9. Summer vacation. No “real” schedules and convincing my kids that I “get” to sleep in until 6:30 instead of 6:00. Hey, I’ll take what I can get!

10. Blogging community. You guys rock! It still amazes me that I am part of a community of people who I have never met, yet who I consider to be true friends and confidants. Very special.

11. AA. My people who are always there, no matter what. Who know me and accept me just as I am. Where I learned how to live again.

12. My sponsor. She just celebrated 10 years of sobriety and I adore her. She is kind, gentle, yet still continues to challenge me by her suggestions and thoughts on life and recovery.

13. Hope and faith in God’s plan. It’s what keeps me going when I feel completely and utterly lost.

14. Daily devotionals. I read them every morning and when I don’t I feel like I’m “missing” something. They keep me grounded and give me perspective and remind me that I’m part of a bigger plan – God’s plan.

15. Music. The kind that speaks to you, that you can turn up in the car and sing at the top of your lungs (which is a good thing for me and everyone else because God did not bless me with a singing voice!). I’ve been obsessed with Pink, Rihanna and Bruno Mars lately, which is strange because I’m usually a country girl but whatever. Like I said, it’s about the music.

16. New life. My best friend gave birth to a healthy baby boy last week. He is beautiful and reminds me to slow down, and cherish all the little moments.

17. Coffee. Need I say more?!

18. My house. I’m a homebody at heart and I love just “being” at home.

19. My flowers and garden. I love watching them grow and find great joy and peace in taking care of them, especially in the evenings when it’s quiet and all I hear are the birds “talking” back and forth to each other.

20. Hummingbirds. My mom and grandma loved hummingbirds and am always reminded of their presence when I see one.

21. Jesus. His words remind and encourage me to be kind, patient and forgiving.

22. Netflix. My husband and I have been watching the Ken Burns’ documentary “The West,” which reminds me just how good we have it today and the extreme endurance and bravery of those who came before us.

23. My lived experiences. Despite the ups and downs, I have the ability to reach out to others who still suffer and to reach back when they reach out to me.

24. The men and women who serve our country. I’m constantly amazed and extremely grateful to those who would leave their families and miss milestones like birthdays and kindergarten graduations to protect my freedoms.

25. Facebook. Love it or hate it, I’m grateful it gives me the opportunity to share my life and story with family and friends who I would otherwise not see.

26. The rain. While I may complain at times, I’m grateful for the nourishment it brings to the trees, plants and flowers.

27. Prozac. For me, it’s like insulin to a diabetic. I need it to help me function and without it I would be crazier than I already am! For those in recovery who don’t think you should take anything, even antidepressants, well, lets agree to disagree.

28. The gym. I’ve been taking my kids to the daycare at the gym since they were two months old and I’m still extremely grateful for the opportunity to have “me” time.

29. Good books. The kind that suck you in and encourage you to stay up way too late. I’m planning to read more of these over the summer!

30. Goodwill. The take anything, they sell everything and they support a wonderful community of people. I could spend hours there.

31. Diet Coke. Because sometimes, despite how horrible it is for you, you just need one.

Thanks, Meredith

Posted by lifecorked in Sobriety and tagged with , , , , , , , , ,

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And, yet again, another pretty, young woman who looked like she had it all together on the outside, was dying inside, slowly killing herself with alcohol. A sad story, but a story worth telling – a story we need to hear.

I don’t watch The Bachelorette, but I recognized Meredith Phillips picture as soon as I opened my recent issue of People magazine – one of my few guilty pleasures I still indulge in. I remembered her from the show years ago because she was from Portland, OR and had graduated from Oregon State, where I had recently finished my master’s degree.

My first thought in seeing her picture was “Oh, no,” because in many ways I still don’t want to believe that people like “her” can be alcoholics. But, that thought quickly turned to “Thank God she’s telling her story.”

Despite knowing that alcohol doesn’t discriminate, we still like to think that celebrities and “people who have it all” don’t have to deal with the “real” stuff. However, as I read her story, I realized that it could have been me writing it. Meredith grew up around alcohol, partied in high school, joined a sorority in college, lost her mom to cancer as a young adult and eventually found herself living for that next drink. Like many of us, she tried to control her drinking at times, but “soon, drinking wine every night was the norm. Before long ‘I looked forward to going out to lunch because it meant I had an excuse to drink during the day.’”

Her story is not “special” because she is a celebrity, but her story carries a certain power because people who viewed her as “the girl next door” now see her in a different light. Because, if alcoholism can touch her, there’s a very good chance it can touch all of us.

I know there’s more celebrities like her out there, struggling with addiction and alcoholism. While each of us has our own personal journey, I wish more people like Meredith would share their stories and bring attention to this horrific disease.

Eventually, Meredith spent two months in inpatient rehab in California before returning to her home in Portland. She has been sober for six months and, like all of us, is optimistic about the road ahead, saying “It’s not fun to start over again at 39, but life is short. And I have a second chance.”

No, it’s not fun. In fact, at times it’s pretty hard. But, I’m grateful for people like Meredith who share their stories with the world and bring light to the struggles and miracles of getting sober.

 

The Devil and Jerry Springer

Posted by lifecorked in Sobriety, Faith and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Devil

I believe in Heaven and Hell. I believe in good and evil. And, I believe in God and the Devil.

Today, as I was finishing my workout on the elliptical at the gym, I was dismayed and disgusted by a Jerry Springer episode that appeared on one of the large televisions above the cardio machines. My eyes were locked, as I watched two women confront each other on stage and proceed to knock each other to the ground, punching and hitting each other while their skirts were pushed higher and higher up their thighs, almost exposing their lack of underwear. This was daytime television and I was speechless.

I know, some of you are saying, “Come on Chenoa, it’s all staged. Relax!” I’m not denying that many of these “reality” shows that have come to consume television are staged – maybe they are, maybe they aren’t. I don’t know. Regardless, it begs the question: How are these shows influencing our society and, especially, our youth?

I’m convinced that the Devil is at work in much of our popular culture and media, including Jerry Springer. These shows bring out the most animalistic behaviors within us – and they do exist. They promote fear, violence, paranoia and judgment – much the same as the culture of alcoholism.

Forget about gun control, lets focus on the media and entertainment industry that promotes and encourages violence as the answer to solving any problem. Whether it’s enraged women attacking each other on Jerry Springer, a “Real Housewife” slapping one another or computerized terrorists attacking and killing innocent people, the message our youth is receiving is violence is THE answer.

Like alcohol, the Devil is cunning and baffling. He is cold and calculating, luring us in with His promise of strength, confidence and recognition.

As a parent, what am I to do? At times, I feel helpless and discouraged. I want to keep my children sheltered from the evil in this world; I want them to look around and, instead of seeing the Devil at work, I want them to see God and His miracles. Instead of violence, I want them to see love and kindness.

While, at times, I feel like God is being pushed out of our mainstream culture, I am confidant that He will overcome. I have seen the miracles He has performed in my life and in the lives of others.

I will continue to be a vessel for His message and teach my children that love, not violence, is the answer.

Being Content

Posted by lifecorked in Faith, Sobriety and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Contentment

Yesterday, I read a great post by Paul over at Message in a Bottle. In his post, he talks about the “meh-ness” of life.  He describes this “meh-ness” as being “times of inertness and mid-level drabness.  Neither here nor there type of deals. The pause before the next note on the scale.  A certain form of unwanted stillness and unsureness.”

Today, I had a “meh” day. It was raining and grey outside, I was home with a sick kid for the second day in a row, I managed to ruin the first of two batches of cookies (thanks to rancid nuts) and burned dinner. In the past, I would have viewed today as a total waste and disappointment. I didn’t “do” anything and I didn’t particularly “achieve” anything.

And, then, I watch the news and see the people in Oklahoma who have lost everything. And, I think, “You know, it’s okay. It’s okay to just be.” It’s okay to have just a “meh” type of day. In fact, I find more and more that these days teach me to slow down, relax and be in the moment. Today, I was grateful I had a warm house to shelter me from the rain, supplies to bake cookies, my son and daughter to snuggle on the couch with and a God who gives me all I truly need in this life.

I used to view contentment as “just settling.” Contentment wasn’t something to achieve in life, it was something to pass up for something greater. Contentment was boring. People who were content had given up on life. I never wanted to be “just” content, yet in an effort to surpass contentment I always found myself wanting, needing and yearning for more. Drinking fueled my desire and helped (or so I thought) cope with the emptiness. And, eventually, I got really tired of feeling that way.

In early recovery, I was told that I would “know a new freedom and a new happiness.” And, it is true. I find this freedom and happiness in being content with my every day life. Not wanting more, and not wanting less. But, just being content with what God has given me today.

Thanks, Paul, for reminding me that even the “meh” days are good days.

TheBetterMom.com

Reflections on a Wine Obsessed Culture

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Wine

This morning I read an article in the Boston Globe that really resonated with me. In her article, “Women, drinking, and wine-as-reward culture,” Kara Baskin discusses the paradox of wine being celebrated and pushed with wine labels like “MommyJuice” and “Mommy’s Time Out” while “The Center for Substance Abuse Prevention reports that 2.7 million American women abuse alcohol.” She goes on to explain that defining alcoholism among women is often challenging because “not everyone who grapples with alcohol use is a stereotypical in-the-gutter alcoholic. Many are outwardly functional and successful.” If we’re still getting up in the morning, making breakfast, taking the kids to school, going to work, we must be okay.

At least that’s what I thought. How could I possibly be an alcoholic? Most of the women I know drink. It’s our way of letting go after a stressful day or like Baskin says, “It’s a legal mode of escapism, and the camaraderie over talking about drinking is as intoxicating as the buzz itself — especially among mothers.”

But, how much are we really drinking? I was a wino – I loved my wine! Okay, I also liked vodka and gin, but my drink of choice was always wine. And, it was acceptable. Who doesn’t have a glass of wine at dinner? Who doesn’t have a glass of wine while visiting with girlfriends? It was just what people in my world did – and still do. But, I was completely ignorant of how much I was really drinking. According to Baskin’s article, “a ‘standard drink’ is 12 ounces of beer with 5 percent alcohol, 5 ounces of wine with 12 percent alcohol, or 1.5 ounces of 80-proof liquor.” When did I ever pour 5 oz. of wine? The answer would be NEVER. Do you? If you still drink, I challenge you to pour your regular glass of wine and measure it. I’m guessing it’s more like 8-10 oz. And, the same goes with liquor. My shots were more like 3-4 oz. in a typical cocktail, but then again, I’m just guessing because I never actually measured it.

The point is, I was lying to myself in order to justify how much I was drinking. If I filled my large wine glass to the top, well, it was still just one glass of wine, right? Towards the end of my drinking, I would have a “couple” cocktails before my husband got home and then a “couple” or a “few” glasses of wine in the evening. Realistically, I was having four cocktails and 4-5 glasses of wine – each day. Seeing that number written, astonishes me. Can you imagine what that was doing to my body? Ugh.

We tell ourselves what we want to hear. In no way, did I want to hear or even acknowledge I had a drinking problem. What kind of person would I be if I was an alcoholic? I sure wouldn’t be the high-functioning-have-it-altogether-type I was known for. The stigma was too much.

People have asked me, and I’m sure others often wonder why I choose to speak out or write about my alcoholism. And, I’m sure there are those who wish I would just shut up already about it. It’s simple. I share my story to help remind myself of where I came from and what I used to be like and to help other women like me who are still there.