I Found God

Faith

I know, it sounds so cliché to say “I got sober and found God,” but it’s true for me. I’m not saying I didn’t believe in God before I got sober; I simply had a very distant view of Him. To me, God was this ever powerful guy who was looming down from above, waiting to point His finger at me every time I did something wrong. I didn’t trust Him and I sure didn’t believe He had a plan for me. Truthfully, I was scared of Him and scared of the idea that something greater than myself was running my life. When you’re a “type a” control freak the last thing you want to think is that someone else is making the decisions.

I played the part well. I went to church with my husband, said the Our Father, kneeled, stood (and kneeled again), got my blessing and said a prayer here and there – usually when I really needed something. But, that’s as far as I got. In fact, I used to roll my eyes at “those” people who would go on and on about their love for Christ and all the great things He had provided for them. In my mind I would think, “sure, that’s great for you, but that just doesn’t apply to me.” The truth is, I didn’t get it. Wasn’t our life and the decisions we made up to us? And, if something unplanned did happen to us, wasn’t it up to us to make it better?

Control. That’s how I lived my life. I wanted to control everything around me, including the people closest to me. Manipulation, dishonesty, guilt – I had a lot of tricks up my sleeve. But, you know what? In the end, none of it worked. Not until I hit my bottom and realized once and for all I couldn’t control my life. In fact, I couldn’t control anything or anyone.

I’m envious of those who have always had an innate faith in God. I consider my husband one of those people who has never doubted or swayed in his belief and faith in God. For some of us, like myself, we only come to have that faith through trials and tribulations. I have never experienced something so freeing as when I finally surrendered the control that had held me prisoner for so long and gave it over to God. And, the thing is, life is so much easier now!

When I am worried, stressed or fearful, I give it over to God, knowing that He will take care of it. And, I trust, that no matter the outcome it is all part of His plan. In this crazy world, I cannot tell you how much peace and comfort it gives me to know that I have a God who cares about me and loves me just the way I am.

8 responses

  1. How do you do that…give it all to Him? I am trying to reach this goal but I don’t know how to just throw my hands in the air and say “Okay God…..I’m letting you take over!!!” How did you do it? Was it a process or was it just like throwing your hands in the air? I am really struggling with this. I don’t know if you look back at your old blogs. I just started reading yours and I think it is amazing. This is a complete mirror of my life the past few years…(the unsober part) I am beginning to work on my sobriety after just admitting I have a problem. “Mommy’s feel good juice” is beginning to become a problem in my life especially my marriage. This is not the life I want to live and know I am capable of doing so much more…when I am not passed out due to a day of drinking because I was home and had a gallon of wine just sitting there in the closet. I want to give it all to Him…but i’m not sure how that works. I don’t know how I stumbled onto your blog but I am glad I did….and maybe that might be a sign.

    • Hi Desiree,

      I’m so glad you found me here! I completely understand your frustration and feelings of helplessness. I’ve been there and I’m sorry you’re having to go through it, however, the good news is that you’re able to acknowledge it, own it and WANT to change, which is huge! Surrendering to God didn’t happen overnight for me – far from it! I’m a total control freak so surrendering to anything is near impossible. I kept hearing people in my meetings talk about “giving it over to God” and, honestly, I didn’t get it. But, now I realize I was still holding onto the fear, control and anger. Up until that point, I had tried to control everything and, ultimately, it hadn’t worked so well. I guess you could say I got to a point of complete desperation. I figured if this “God thing” had worked so well for others I might as well give it a try. I started praying a lot (even if I didn’t really know how); I stopped trying to fix everyone and everything (I knew I needed to focus on fixing myself); I listened to my sponsor and followed her suggestions (even when I didn’t want to). Basically, I just got tired of fighting and surrendered to a new reality. Like I said, it took time, but I also had to make the choice to take action and change my path. I wish you all the best on your journey. There’s a lot of great sober blogs out there, which can be a huge inspiration!

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