Not So Bright and Shiny After All

After my baptism, I was convinced I would wake up the next morning radiating from the eternal glow I had. I was positive people would see the outward difference because, after all, I was totally free of all my past sins. In other words, I was squeaky clean.

But, the next morning brought the same early wakeup from the kids (earlier because it was Easter morning) and the same zombie-like walk to the coffee maker. The only thing I can compare it to is when you get married. You have this vision that marriage is going to completely change you overnight. But, like every other morning, you wake up and there you are. Same person, different last name (if you changed it). Of course, I’m simplifying this, but for the most part that’s how it felt.

Tyler asked me the next day, “Well, do you feel any different?” The thing is, I didn’t feel different, I felt complete. I felt like my whole entire life and all the experiences good and bad had led me to that perfect moment of my baptism. That’s what’s so great about this journey we’re all on. You never know where you’re going to end up, but at some point we can step back and say, “Ah, now I understand what it was all about.” If I had never come to that point in my life where I had sank to my lowest of lows, I wouldn’t be here today writing about this. Every joy; every sorrow; every disappointment led me to this place.

Yet, going forward, I was determined to make this new bright and shiny self last as long as possible. But, being human and all, it didn’t last as long as I wanted. As Tyler and the kids and I were driving down the street, a truck turned directly in front of us making Tyler swerve and before I knew it my arm was up and I was shaking my middle finger at them. Damn – I mean darn. Well, that was that. Tyler looked at me and said something like, “I guess that was short lived.”

So, I go forward being my imperfect self and continue to ask God for forgiveness, knowing that He knows my totally imperfect heart all too well.



8 responses

  1. I laughed when you said you gave that driver the finger because when I slip, my husband always says, “Would Jesus do that?” It’s funny coming from him because he’s not a Christian and he’s not even judging me. It’s his way of pointing out to me that despite the warm glow of spirituality that I like to live in, I’m still human and flawed and very, very hard on myself. Yesterday I told a friend that while my life is good, it’s not all rainbows and butterflies. I recently had a spiritual encounter with my grandpa who passed away and I keep trying to go back to that place where I felt a connection to God so deeply. It annoys me that I can’t live in that space of rainbows and butterflies all the time. 🙂

  2. When I read your post today it’s a feeling of relief (or release even).It’s all imperfect here on Earth and it’s okay. I’m okay. It’s taken me so long to mutter those words and actually believe them. Whatever is going … I am loved in the eyes of God. I love the depth of your love for your God. Finding the Love of God inside my heart was the best gift I ever opened.

    Beautiful as always, 🙂

  3. Sometimes that finger is a reflex, sort of like swerving to avoid an accident! I suppose our humanness always shines, which is the beauty of it as far as I’m concerned. So happy to know I’m not alone with my truckload of imperfections. Love the genuineness that exudes from your blog.

  4. Now you’re the one making me laugh! I can’t tell you how many times either my husband or I start yelling at the kids on the way home from Mass, which is a 4 minute drive from our home! Now, if I can’t keep Jesus in my heart for 4 minutes, then what is wrong with me?

    I guess what’s wrong is that I’m human, and, since He created me, I guess he understand!

    And congratulations, my fellow Catholic! So happy for you!

  5. I am so happy to have found you! I was raised in the church, the men in my family all being pastors, the women strong and faithful. Here I became the wild child party girl, with the niggling voice in my ear that GOD didn’t wish that life for me. It took me a looooooong time to listen, and I got really bad the last six months. 22 years after my first drink, I have given up the alcohol completely with GOD’s help. I have been reading tons of sober blogs and started one myself. I have all these things I want to do like sewing, cooking, crafting (LOL) etc., that I never had time or energy for before because I was drinking. I am excited at learning all these new things now! I can’t wait to read all of your blogs!!!

    • Thanks so much for your comment! When I first got sober, it was scary, yet exciting at the same time. Like you, I found that I had interests and passions I had never known – or had time for. It was like getting to know a whole new person. There a lot of great sober bloggers out there who offer a world of knowledge and support. I wish you the very best in your recovery! And, know that even when it gets hard and you feel like giving up, it’s SO worth it!

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