Happy, Joyous and Free

Christmas 14

Happy, joyous and free. To be honest, I never thought I would use those words to describe myself, but that’s how I described myself in a meeting today. Sometimes, it’s even hard for me to believe because it’s such a far cry from where I was three years ago at this time. It was my last holiday season drinking and I was miserable. I was so angry – lashing out at everyone around me; picking fights with those who loved me. The more I tried to control things, the worse they got. Despite the love that surrounded me, I had never felt so lonely before.

I don’t like remembering those times, in fact, it’s painful to think back to what I was like then. That’s not the person I want to remember, but I know she’s part of my story. Because, without her, I wouldn’t be where I am today. How did I get here? How could “that” person turn into the person I am today? The only answer I have is by God’s grace. When I was at my lowest point, God’s love and mercy was the only thing that could break through the hard shell I had created around me. Slowly, He put people, programs and a church in my life that would eventually build me up and bring me back from the depths of loneliness and fear I had been living in for so long.

Today, I’m at peace. I don’t know what will happen tomorrow or the next day, but it doesn’t matter because I have faith in a God who turned that lonely, frightened girl into the happy, joyous and free woman I am today. I’m done fighting and lashing out at those around me. I’m done trying to control my life. It’s not mine to control anyway. I wake up each morning and ask for God’s guidance and direction. I give it all over to Him. And, by doing so I’m completely and totally free.

Merry Christmas, friends! Peace be with you!


10 responses

  1. Hi. Seems like a long time between your posts. I love how you write. I feel you are writing about me. It’s actually kind of scary.

    I am at 8 months sober. It’s been quite the journey but I ditto your sentiments. I too turned my will over to God. I go to AA regularly, have a sponsor and went into therapy. I too feel the peace. My life is so much better. Marriage. Work. It’s all better without drinking. I do have days where I miss the romantic side of wine. But I don’t miss all the crap that went with it. Thanks so much for blogging. Write more often if you can. It helps us alcoholics. You and me!


    • Thank you, Irishgirl! Congrats on your 8 months – so awesome! It’s a great thing when we start to see those promises in our life. To be honest, there are times when I mourn the idea of sharing a glass (or bottle!) of wine with my husband, but then I have to be honest with myself. My drinking was never “romantic” despite what I might have told myself. Thank you for your comments and I will do my best to write more!

  2. Beautiful family, beautiful post. A question from a newbie, did it take 3 years for you to feel happy, joyous and free? I am at a year and a few days, and those feelings are fleeting, if they come at all. I still feel bogged by insecurity, self loathing, and cravings to drink. I was hoping to be further along, but I guess this is the way my journey is going.
    Merry Christmas!

    • Thank you soberlearning! Did it take me three years to feel this way? It’s been a slow and steady journey, with some turns and at times backwards motion. But, I will say the most significant lesson has been learning to turn it over to God. I’m a worrier and control freak by nature, and extremely reactionary to how others treat me and approach me. But, I’ve had to learn to let that stuff go. I’m responsible for my behavior and how I react to others, but I have to let God handle the rest. The more I do that, the more peace and freedom I feel. As for the cravings, those have gone away with time. I don’t have physical cravings anymore, but when I have the mental cravings of that “need” to escape I think the entire situation through from beginning to end and am reminded of the desperation and guilt I used to feel after a night/day of drinking. It never helped – and it never will. Congrats on your sobriety! Such a blessing to you and your family!

  3. “Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him”

    For years I didn’t buy into Step 3 completely. I couldn’t get my head around this concept of “turning it over”. It seemed like too tall an order. And then a few months ago a woman shared about one word in Step 3. Care! And, that has made all the difference for me. I’m in…completely!

    When I here “care” I think of action. I have turned my will and my life over, but I still have a responsibility to take action. Not just turn it over and sit back. But to take action by simply doing my best. If I have turned it over completely, then doing my best is all that matters. Everything else is up to God.

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